Appreciate Mandela while you can

Nelson Mandela will turn 90 soon and, much to my dismay, his birthday has not been declared an international holiday. I have no choice but to declare it a personal holiday and spend it thinking about Mandela and the great example of his life, while sipping beer on the couch. Let the wife take out the trash.

Wife: "What are you drinking at this time of the day?"

Me: "It's not what I'm drinking that's important. It's what I'm thinking."

Wife: "I know what you're thinking -- that you need to do more drinking."

Me: "No, I'm thinking about Nelson Mandela. Did you know that he spent 27 years in prison, then came out and reconciled with his oppressors? That means that there's still hope for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger."

Wife: "Exactly how much have you had to drink?"

Actually, the only beer I drink is ginger beer. But I do occasionally drink wine and I'm hoping to raise a toast to the great man. Of course, one toast may not be enough. I'll probably have to toast him all day.

Me (raising glass): "To Mandela. May he live until he's 125."

Wife: "Isn't that your 125th toast today?"

Me: "Yeah, but don't worry: I'm going to take a break for breakfast. I'm starving."

Wife: "What are you going to have?"

Me: "Toast, of course. So I can raise it in Mandela's honor."

I hope everyone takes a moment to appreciate Mandela, for he won't be around forever. If you have a chance to see him, don't miss the opportunity. Make a pilgrimage to South Africa, if you have to. If you can't afford the plane ticket, try going there on a raft. Even a piece of Styrofoam might work. Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Mandela is the Gandhi of our time and if you're lucky enough to exchange a few words with him or shake his hand, you'll be able to brag about it for the rest of your life. You'll be the envy of everyone you meet. It'll be better than having tickets to the Wimbledon final. It'll be better than having a backstage pass at a U2 concert. It'll be better than having a child with Tom Brady.

Stranger: "Excuse me, is that the hand that once shook Mandela's hand?"

You (smiling broadly): "Yes, indeed. He put both his hands around it."

Stranger: "Wow, that's amazing. Do you allow people to shake it?"

You: "Yes, of course I do. Will you be using Visa or MasterCard?"

Stranger: "Do you accept cash?"

You: "Cash? This is 2025. Who uses cash anymore?"

Before you travel to South Africa, you need to make sure Mandela will be there. He's in demand all over the world. He has to attend concerts in his honor, unveil statues of himself on every continent and, of course, have tea at Buckingham Palace. He does it all with such grace and class, even whispering to the Queen that she need not bow.

Robert Mugabe, Hosni Mubarak and other leaders could learn from his example. He was elected president of South Africa in 1994 and, after serving one term, decided to step down, though he was only 81. He doesn't need power -- he has something far greater: integrity.

Don't holler if you find a Zimbabwe dollar

In case you’ve heard of the economic crisis in Zimbabwe and are worried about the millions of people struggling to buy food and other essentials, let me give you some good news. President Robert Mugabe, longtime leader of the southern African nation, has come up with a brilliant solution: He’s going to print more money.

According to the Associated Press, Mugabe told a meeting of council members, “Where money for projects has not been found, we will print it.” A heated discussion followed, with some members favoring the Hewlett-Packard Laser Jet printer and others preferring Dell.

Economists in Zimbabwe were soon scratching their heads, asking themselves, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

That’s what separates the great leaders from the average ones. They know how to think “outside the box.” Mugabe’s ingenious strategy has caused American economist Craig Newmark to declare, “This year's race for the Nobel Prize in Economics is over. Robert Mugabe will win.”

I don’t know if he’ll win the Nobel, but he’ll certainly be in the running, especially if he prints some Swedish money and mails it to the committee.

At least one of you is probably thinking, “But Melvin, isn’t printing money illegal? My cousin Sal tried to do it and he’s now serving five years in the penitentiary.”

Sal is not very smart. If he wants to print money, he needs to do it legally. He needs to go to Zimbabwe and work for the president. He’ll be able to print all sorts of items: one-million-dollar notes, land and property deeds, letters of admiration from economists around the world.

A million-dollar note may soon be necessary, considering the rampant inflation plaguing the country. Prices are rising faster than Salman Rushdie’s alimony payments. A loaf of bread costs 50 times what it did a year ago, which means that the only people who are eating bread on a regular basis are the night watchmen at the bakery. Poor guys, they can’t afford to nap anymore.

The Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe has just issued a 200,000 Zimbabwe dollar note, which will buy you a 1kg bag of sugar. That’s not much at all, especially since just a few years ago, you could have bought the sugar plantation.

Folks just can’t afford to buy necessities anymore. “It doesn’t make sense for me to spend 50,000 Zimbabwean dollars on a small bundle of firewood,” said a 30-year-old woman named Esther. “Especially when I can get a better, longer-lasting fire by burning the cash.”

A 25-year-old man named Gift said he would not pick a 1,000 Zimbabwean dollar note off the ground. “It is worthless,” he said. “No one will pick it up.”

Actually, some people do pick it up. “If we care about our country, we shouldn’t leave money lying around,” said a 50-year-old man named James. “We should pick it up and put it into a trash bin.”

Not only are prices too high, food and other items are in short supply. People have to stand in line for everything. There are lines for bread, lines for milk, even lines for lines.

Young man: “Excuse me, is this the line to buy fishing line?”

Old man: “No, they’re out of fishing line again. This is the line to call the complaint line.”

Young man: “Who do we complain to? Mugabe?”

Old man: “It’s not Mugabe’s fault. He’s been in power for only 27 years. You’ve got to give him time.”

Young man: “Time for what?”

Old man: “To print more money, of course.”