The principle of making Obama jokes

A school principal in La Vergne, Tennessee, recently wrote a humor column that poked fun at President-elect Obama and found himself in so much hot water, he decided that it would be wise, as well as efficient, to skip his weekly bath.

Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary, has been writing a weekly humor column for The Murfreesboro Post for about two years. In fact, it would be accurate to say that he's the Post's principal humor columnist.

But he was virtually unknown outside his county until he wrote his post-election column, in which he did something rather original: created a parody of "The Jeffersons" theme song. In his version, Obama was "movin’ on up ... to a deee-luxe pimp pad," "jetting with P. Diddy" and "chewin’ on the government fat." Obama's supporters and others found it extremely offensive, naturally, that Lewis would even suggest that Obama hangs out with P. Diddy. (Never mind that 10-year-old Malia Obama wears a T-shirt that says "Daddy loves Diddy.")

P. Diddy, for those of you who don't know, is the stage name of a popular rap artist and should not be confused with Diddy P., the question I ask whenever I check my little son's diaper.

Most readers, in truth, didn't mind the Diddy reference, but were outraged by the racial stereotypes that a school principal, of all people, had resorted to. Lewis was soon apologizing to just about everyone: readers, parents, teachers, school board members and pimps. He'll be lucky if he's able to retain his job, his column and his title of "Funniest Principal Alive." (He was also in the running for "Sexiest Principal Alive," but for the 30th consecutive year, it went to Victoria Principal.)

When a student misbehaves, he's sent to the principal's office. When a principal misbehaves, he should be sent to the student's office. Most students don't have offices, of course. They have lockers. I'm sure a student wouldn't mind keeping Lewis inside one for a few hours. He'd learn his lesson pretty quickly, especially if it's a typical male student's locker, filled with books, sneakers and the scent of a never-washed pair of gym socks.

But if we really want to punish Lewis, we should get him to spend the next few months reading all the Internet comments his column provoked:

CoolDude3129: "What an idiot! He shouldn't have apologized. I don't see how it's racist to make jokes about Obama, especially when making jokes about President Bush is a national sport."

EbonyGoddess543: "It's not a national sport, you bonehead. It's an international sport! More popular than soccer."

HotChick89: "Lewis is eight years behind. The White House hasn't been a pimp pad since Bill Clinton left."

EbonyGoddess543: "Yeah, for the last eight years, it has been a chimp pad."

CoolDude3129: "Hey, how come it's okay for you to call Bush a chimp? Artists have been making Bush look like a monkey for eight years, but the moment you put a banana in the same picture as Obama, you're a racist."

EbonyGoddess543: "That's because Bush IS a monkey."

CoolDude 3129:"Shut up, you moron! Don't you know that Bush and Obama have the same size ears?"

EbonyGoddess543: "Yeah, but do they have the same size brains?"

Joe6Pack: "You are the biggest racist in the world!"

EbonyGoddess543: "I'm not a racist. I'm African-American! When black people make fun of white people, it's not racism. It's Def Comedy Jam."

Joe6Pack: "Wait a minute. Obama is half white and half black. Would it be okay to make jokes about half of him?"

EbonyGoddess543: "Of course it would. Just make sure you pick the right half."

Joe6Pack: “Okay, here’s a joke: The right half of Obama wanted to eat a bunch of bananas. The left half said, ‘We’ve been elected president. We need to give a good impression.’ And the right half replied, ‘You’re absolutely right. Do you want to hold the fork or should I?’”

Obama TV: All Obama, all the time

CHICAGO -- Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has announced a new venture for her company, Harpo Studios: Obama TV (OTV).

"Over the last year or so, I've noticed that America just cannot get enough of Barack Obama and his family, so I thought to myself, 'Why not have a 24-hour network that covers everything Obama?'" Winfrey said, speaking at a press conference in Chicago. "It's a historic time in America and many people have told me that they don't want to miss a single moment of it, except of course when the Oprah Winfrey Show is on."

Financial guru Mani Pundit predicted that OTV would turn Winfrey from a mere billionaire into a zillionaire. "It's a brilliant idea," Pundit said. "CNN's ratings shoot up every time they show anything about Obama. Why else would they have 10 analysts debating whether Obama uses Crest or Colgate?"

Harpo released a tentative daytime schedule for OTV, which will promote itself with the slogan "No drama, just Obama."

6 to 7 a.m. -- Fitness with Obama: Get in shape with a series of moves that the president is promoting, including belt-tightening, budget-stretching and figure-massaging. Just an hour a day will do wonders for your fiscal fitness.

7 to 9 a.m. -- Obama Today: A hard-hitting news show that will keep you informed on all the latest Obama news, including when the president woke up and what he had for breakfast. Regular features on the show include "Obama Agenda," "Eloquent Quote of the Day" and "Kenya Relative Report."

9 to 10 a.m. -- Meet the Dress: Fashion experts discuss the latest dress worn by Michelle Obama. Handbags, shoes and other accessories will also be critiqued. Viewers will have the opportunity to call in and suggest what the First Lady should wear the next day.

10 to 11 a.m. --The Amazing Race: Scenes from the 2008 presidential race, such as the never-before-seen footage of Obama telling his adviser David Axelrod that if he wins the presidency, anything is possible, even the Cubs winning the World Series.

11 to Noon -- Everybody Loves Barack: Public figures such as Magic Johnson, Holly Robinson Peete and Jesse Jackson reveal what the Obama presidency means to them and how much they cried on election night. In the first show, Halle Berry discloses that she cried so much, she had to be treated at the hospital for dehydration.

Noon to 1 p.m. -- Obama Book Club: Nobel Prize-winning author Toni Morrison hosts a discussion of books written about Obama, not just the positive books, but also the extremely positive ones.

1 to 2 p.m. -- Tales of the Underdog: A special White House correspondent will report on the activities of the First Dog. Viewers will hear interesting tidbits on the dog, such as where it slept, what it drank, and how many Republicans it barked at.

2 to 3 p.m. -- Guess Who Came to Dinner: Get the scoop on who was invited to dinner at the White House last night, what they were served and whether any silverware went missing.

3 to 4 p.m. -- Obama's Got Talent: Former classmates of Barack Obama discuss the talents that were evident to them years ago, from his speaking ability to his socializing skills to his knack for staying awake in Medieval History. Viewers will hear many interesting details, such as the fact that Obama's high school teacher wrote on his report card: "Barack is a natural leader. I expect big things from him. Who knows, maybe one day he'll even be elected a church deacon!"

4 to 5 p.m. -- All His Children: What did Sasha and Malia learn in school today? Tune in and find out! Experts will discuss the girls' education and whether their parents made the right choice of school. Other topics include how they dressed to school, what they ate for lunch and whether they spoke to any boys.

5 to 6 p.m. -- Obama.we.are: A must-see show featuring the latest Obama-related music videos by hip-hop artist will.i.am. On Nov. 7, shortly after Obama won the election, the Black Eyed Peas frontman released his hit "It's a New Day." In December, he will release his follow-up hit "It's a New Month." And in January, he will release another hit "It's a New Year."

Oh Mama, it's President Obama!

As the results trickled in, the tears trickled down. Millions of faces glistened with tears on election night. There were tears of joy, as many Americans celebrated Barack Obama's historic victory; tears of sorrow, as many Americans lamented John McCain's loss; tears of gratitude, as many Americans got down on their knees and thanked God that the presidential race was finally over.

"No more negative ads, no more debates, no more promises they can't keep!" screamed a 40-year-old Detroit man, running into the street in jubilation. "And no more red and blue maps on TV!"

For African-Americans, especially those who had lived through the Civil Rights Era, it was a once-in-ten-lifetimes occasion, one that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years ago. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," said an 80-year-old Chicago man, rubbing his eyes. "A black man in the White House! And he's not carrying a broom!"

So surreal was the moment that many Obama supporters attending a victory rally in Chicago turned to their friends and said, "Pinch me. I must be dreaming." There was so much pinching during the night that Chicago Police received reports of 38 missing wallets.

"It was a night of inspiration," said Chicago Mayor Richard Daley. "While Senator Obama and his many supporters were chanting, 'Yes, we can,' a few crooks were also saying, 'Yes, we can.'"

It wasn't just the crooks causing trouble. At least one woman slapped the man beside her, screaming, "I didn't tell you to pinch me THERE!"

But nothing could spoil the night for Obama supporters, nothing could detract from a terrific speech by the soon-to-be 44th President of America, who is slightly more eloquent than the 43rd.

Obama's speech was so magnificent that it even moved a group of Penn State students gathered at a bar in State College, Pennsylvania. "We were so inspired," said junior Mike Williams. "Every time Obama said, 'Yes, we can,' we took another sip."

McCain's concession speech was just as inspiring, full of grace and class, leaving many of his supporters saying "If only."

Supporter: "If only he had made more appearances on Saturday Night Live."

Second supporter: "If only he had picked Joe the Plumber as his running mate."

Third supporter: "If only he had dyed his skin black."

That Obama's skin color was seen by some as an advantage -- and not the formidable obstacle it was expected to be -- is a testament of how much America has changed. Indeed, when young white voters were shown a picture of Obama and asked if he was different from them in any way, 63 percent of them pointed at his ears. They were referring, of course, to the fact that Obama is considered a good listener. It's a quality that endeared him to many female voters. "Too bad he isn't single," one woman said. "I would have voted for him several more times."

Just a few decades ago, African-Americans had to sit at the back of the bus, had to order their food through the back door of the restaurant, had to kowtow to the white folk. Now they're sending one of their own to the whitest of houses.

No wonder a 92-year-old African-American woman in a Cleveland nursing home took her own pulse while watching the Obama victory rally on TV.

"Are you okay?" a nurse asked.

"I'm fine," the woman replied. "For a moment, I thought I had died and gone to heaven."

There's something interesting in every Cabinet

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, recently announced his new cabinet, giving portfolios of all sorts to 38 people. The cabinet includes Bev Oda, Minister of International Co-operation (formerly known as the Minister of Peace and Goodwill), Rona Ambrose, Minister of Labor (formerly the Minister of Labor and Childbirth), and Jim Prentice, Minister of the Environment (formerly the Minister of Ice and Snow).

Stockwell Day is the Minister of International Trade, which explains why there's a sign inside the Canadian Superstore that says: "Thanks to Stockwell Day, it's a well-stocked day."

Also in the new cabinet are Peter Van Loan, Minister of Public Safety (it's important to keep the public safe) and Christian Paradis, Minister of Public Works (it's important to keep the public working). Van Loan, as you can guess from his name, was also under serious consideration for the position of Minister of Vehicle Rentals.

The cabinet has four ministers in charge of "affairs": Gregory Thompson, Minister of Veterans Affairs, Josee Verner, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Foreign Affairs, and Chuck Strahl, Minister of Indian Affairs (yes, Indians have affairs too). Cannon's appointment is a significant one, because it's been more than 50 years since Canada used a Cannon to handle Foreign Affairs.

Also appointed to the cabinet are Lisa Raitt, Minister of Natural Resources, Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, and Helena Guergis, Minister of Backyard Pools. Actually, Guergis is Minister of State, Status of Women, a promotion from her previous position: Minister of State, Status of Babes and Honeys.

Cabinet positions vary considerably from one country to the next, as you can imagine. In India, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's Cabinet includes Lalu Prasad, Minister of Railways (also known as the Minister of Train Delays), Priya Ranjan Dasmunsi, Minister of Information and Broadcasting (also known as the Minister of Censorship), and Sis Ram Ola, Minister of Mines (also known as the Minister of Yours).

The cabinet has seven ministers in charge of "affairs," including Pranab Mukherjee, Minister of External Affairs, Shivraj V. Patil, Minister of Home Affairs, P.R. Kyndiah, Minister of Tribal Affairs, and Prem Chand Gupta, Minister of Company Affairs (the most common type of affair).

The minister with the most power is, of course, Sushilkumar Shinde, Minister of Power. But I wouldn't want to mess with Ram Vilas Paswan, Minister of Chemicals and Fertilizers. Nor would I want to tangle with Vayalar Ravi, Minister of Overseas Indian Affairs. I have nothing but awe for a man who oversees Indians overseas.

I also have to tip my hat to Syed Khursheed Shah of Pakistan, who serves as Minister for Labor, Manpower and Overseas Pakistanis. It may seem like an odd combination, but it makes sense: if you don't keep Pakistanis employed and happy, they soon become overseas Pakistanis.

Perhaps the most cutting-edge portfolio belongs to Australia's Stephen Conroy, Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy. I'm not sure what it involves, but it sure sounds impressive, especially the "Digital Economy" part. It would be more impressive, of course, if he were Minister for Broadband, Communications, the Digital Economy and Overseas Australian Affairs with Indians and Pakistanis.

Growing up in Zambia, I was envious of one minister in particular, the Minister of Sports. I wanted that job. Nothing would have been sweeter than attending all the football games, tennis tournaments and, if I could take a pillow along, chess matches.

These days, I'm envious of General Ulises Rosales del Toro of Cuba. He truly has a sweet job: Minister of Sugar.

Come to think of it, India does not have a Minister of Sugar. You'd think the country would at least have a Minister of Sweets. If anyone from the government is reading this, I'd like to offer my services for a much-needed position: Minister of Sweets for Overseas Indians.

The key to a happy marriage: hiring a private detective

When youngsters ask me for career advice, I tell them to drop whatever they're doing and become private detectives. They'd never run out of clients, especially if they specialize in marriage-related investigations (MRIs).

While the other kind of MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) helps you find out what's wrong with your body, this kind of MRI helps you find out what's wrong with your spouse.

It's increasingly common, in America and other western countries, for married people to hire private detectives to find out if their spouses are being unfaithful.

Detective: "Yes, Mrs. Spitzer, your husband is definitely cheating on you. I got word that he had booked a room at the Ritz-Carlton, so I rushed over there and, 15 minutes later, an attractive young blonde walked out wearing high heels, fishnet stockings and an inviting smile."

Mrs. Spitzer: "What about my husband? When did he leave?"

Detective: "I'm not sure. I went with the blonde into another room. I had to dust her for fingerprints."

In India, people are, seemingly, a little smarter. They hire the private detective BEFORE the wedding. Pre-wedding investigations are so common these days that a man isn't considered an eligible bachelor unless he has several detectives following him around.

Private detectives are usually hired to verify claims made by a prospective bride or groom or their parents. These claims often appear in matrimonial ads, which are sometimes so full of lies and exaggerations, they sound like political speeches. "If you choose me, your life will improve dramatically. Trust me, I am the best man for the job. I will be ready on Day One to satisfy you. I'll balance our budget (I have an MBA from Wharton), I'll improve our healthcare (I have an MD from Harvard) and I'll protect us from anyone who might try to harm us (I have a black belt from Lee's Gym). Forget about the other guys. They aren't as qualified as I am -- and they have too much experience. I've never even looked at a woman. I've been saving myself for you, waiting for you to walk into my life. I'm ready to sweep you off your feet. I'll entrance you like Hrithik Roshan, romance you like Shahrukh Khan, finance you like Mukesh Ambani."

The private detective, of course, tries to uncover any deception. For example:

--- A man claims that he has "never touched a single shot of alcohol in his life." The detective discovers that the man always orders double shots.

--- A woman claims that she "completed her higher education in the UK." The detective discovers that UK stands for University of Kerala.

--- A man claims that he is “earning a six-figure salary monthly.” The detective discovers that two of those figures come after the decimal point.

---A woman claims that she has "a very close relationship with God and I love him dearly." The detective discovers that "God" is short for Godfrey (her boyfriend).

---A man claims that he is a "veterinarian who happens to be a non-vegetarian." The detective discovers that the man is actually a vegetarian who happens to be a non-veterinarian.

---A woman claims that her father "was once a very successful golf professional." The detective discovers that her father was once a very successful Gulf professional -- he worked in Dubai.

I don't want to give you the impression that everyone who writes a matrimonial ad tries to be deceptive. Most of them don't have to try. It just comes naturally. They know which qualities people are seeking and they want to offer those qualities. Women, for example, want to satisfy men who are obsessed with the word "beauty," men who write ads that say: "I am looking for a bride who has outer beauty, as well as exterior beauty."

And men, likewise, want to satisfy women who are obsessed with the word "handsome," women who write ads that say: “I am looking for a man who has a good job and is earning a very handsome salary.”