The Olympics give us reason to hope

If you're like most people, you didn't watch enough of the Beijing Olympics, partly because there were just too many events happening at the same time and partly because, having a full-time job, you had to spend a little time every morning coughing into the phone.

Considering everything that happened at the Olympics, I probably watched only one percent of the action. I completely missed the badminton and table tennis competition -- they must have been on TV while I was asleep -- and I caught only a little of the rhythmic dancing (Usain Bolt sure knows how to shake it). But I did watch quite a bit of the Jamaican sprint events, as well as the tiny tot gymnastics and the always-popular bikini show (disguised brilliantly as beach volleyball). And I got a thrill out of watching swimmer Michael Phelps make Olympic history, winning eight gold medals and setting a world record for total amount of chest exposure on TV. (Eat your heart out, Janet Jackson.)

These Olympics certainly left us with many unforgettable moments, starting with the spectacular opening ceremony that mesmerized people all over the world, even causing one family in West Virginia to pose for photographs next to their TV screen. I don't know about you, but I won't soon forget the awesome fireworks display, almost too amazing to be true, as well as that cute little girl who did a fabulous job of lip-synching.

Perhaps the most impressive performance at the Olympics belonged to Phelps, who left viewers around the world shaking their heads and asking one question: "How does he do it?" Americans wondered how he manages to break so many world records, while Germans and Russians wondered how he manages to pass all his drug tests.

Some experts debated endlessly whether Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. As for me, I just had to watch a few of his races to realize that he's the greatest athlete to ever compete in the Olympics wearing Speedos.

Bolt does not wear Speedos, but he's extremely speedy. So speedy, in fact, that he broke the world record in the 100m dash, despite taking a break in the middle to eat some Jamaican jerk chicken. It happened so fast that only sharp-eyed IOC president Jacques Rogge noticed it and made a big issue of the Jamaican jerk.

Bolt and Phelps were phenomenal, but so was Natalie du Toit, the South African swimmer. Du Toit had her left leg amputated at the knee in 2001 after a scooter accident, but kept competing and became the first female amputee to ever qualify for the Olympics. She finished 16th among 24 swimmers in the 10km marathon, ahead of eight swimmers and only about 80 seconds behind the winner. Just imagine what a difference another leg would have made. Yes, those eight swimmers might have beaten her with three.

Du Toit didn't win a medal, but she inspired many people and was part of a great showing by African athletes, who won 40 medals, a record for the continent. Most of the medals came in running, but if you don't think Africans can attack the water as aggressively as Phelps, you should have seen the Kenyans after the marathon. You should have also seen Tunisia's Oussama Mellouli, who won a gold medal in 1500m freestyle, and Zimbabwe's Kirsty Coventry, who won one gold and three silver, causing people in her homeland to name another cluster of babies after her: Backstroke Banda, Goldmedal Gondwe and Swimwell Sakala.

India won three medals in Beijing, including Abhinav Bindra's gold medal in shooting. I'm most proud of the bronze medal that boxer Vijender Kumar won. I never thought an Indian would bring home a medal in boxing, not without breaking into the Cuban hotel rooms. But Vijender did it, and thanks to him, I can finally walk into a boxing gym, put on a pair of gloves and step into the ring, believing that I might be able to hold my own for a few minutes, at least until the other fighter shows up.

That's what the Olympics do -- they give us hope. Hope that we can be like Phelps or Bolt or Kumar. Hope that we can make the most of our abilities, like du Toit. Hope that even if we're short on talent, we can lip-synch our way to fame.

The shot heard around the world

In case you missed the news, in case you were sleeping under a rock or just got released from Guantanamo, India won its first-ever individual gold medal at the Beijing Olympics, causing 1.1 billion people to jump up and down with joy, touching off a minor earthquake in California and a major interruption in tech support.

Yes, an Indian man won an Olympic gold medal -- and without all his opponents getting injured. Abhinav Bindra, a 25-year-old from Delhi, won first place in the 10m air rifle event, beating 50 other shooters, including that great Albanian marksman Imer Gudschot.

So excited were members of the Indian Olympic Association, so taken in this moment of high-fives and champagne-popping, that some of them checked the official medal table to see if India had moved past America. No such luck, of course, but that didn't stop Indians from celebrating like it was the greatest Olympic achievement ever. And who can blame them? After all, it was their first individual gold medal since India began competing in the Olympics more than a century ago, back in the days when "catapulting" was an official sport.

"The drought is over!" screamed one newspaper's headline, causing even more celebration across the land, particularly in the farming community.

It was a shining moment for India on the world's greatest sporting stage. As one Indian politician eloquently put it, “Abhinav Bindra has shooted us all into glory!”

Almost everyone in India, from the Prime Minister to the church minister, heaped praise on Bindra. Even members of the Indian Astronomers Association, attending a convention in Pune, took a break from the proceedings to applaud the "shooting star."

Congratulatory messages poured into India from all over the world. U.S. presidential candidate John McCain, hoping to endear himself to Indian-American voters, sent a congratulatory card that he said was "from one straight shooter to another."

Indian legislators debated a motion to celebrate Aug. 11 every year as Gold Medal Day. They voted down a proposal to display Bindra's medal at a national museum in Delhi, amid fears that the building would not be able to handle the millions who would come to view it.

The excitement and celebration may have seemed overblown, but not to Indians. "People around the world may not know this," a Chennai man said, "but we Indians really love gold!"

Bindra's victory, combined with shooter Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore's silver medal at the 2004 Olympics, is expected to increase the popularity of shooting in India, drawing thousands of youngsters to shooting competitions and exhibitions during breaks from cricket.

"We want shooting to be more popular in India," said sports administrator Baljit Singh, "but not as popular as it is in America."

Hoping to match the success of TGC (The Golf Channel) in America, media mogul Rupert Murdoch announced that Indian viewers would soon be treated to TSC (The Shooting Channel). It's expected to feature various shooting competitions from around the world, as well as reruns of the American shows "Gunsmoke" and "Have Gun Will Travel."

Rajesh Patel, who has been hired as a TSC analyst, said Bindra's victory will have a lasting impact in India, even on sports announcing. "We're not going to say that someone's performance is 'simply wonderful' anymore," he said. "We're going to say that it's 'simply Bindraful.'"

Schoolchildren for years to come will learn about Bindra, thanks partly to an Indian publisher who has already put out a special alphabet book: "A is for Abhinav. Abhinav is first name of champion. B is for Bindra. Bindra is surname of champion. C is for Chapati. Chapati is food of champion."

Bindra has not just earned a lifetime of adulation, he has become India's most eligible bachelor, receiving a flood of marriage proposals. Said his proud mother: "We have received proposals from North Indians, South Indians, even West Indians."

Indeed, a Trinidad dairy farmer with a 20-year-old daughter offered 1,000 cows in dowry, but Bindra turned down the offer, saying he doesn't want to milk his fame.

That pleased Indian sports fans, who want Bindra to choose his bride carefully, believing that the country's future Olympic glory rests partly on what type of genes his children inherit. Some are even dreaming of a match between Bindra and badminton star Saina Nehwal, an Olympic quarterfinalist. But that would be folly, according to one Indian scientist, who said, "If we match a badmintoner with a shooter, we might end up with a badshooter."

Good spelling saves some yelling

Because I'm Indian, many people assume I'm good at spelling. After all, six of the last 10 winners of the National Spelling Bee are of Indian descent and three of them are now making millions on the PSA (Professional Spelling Association) tour.

Unfortunately, I'm a terrible speller. It's a good thing I can do a spell-check on my computer or I'd really embrace myself.

Spelling is a good skill to have -- and not just for writers. If you can't spell words correctly, your boss might give you a peace of his mind. And as a result, you won't have any piece of mind.

Spelling is particularly important in certain professions. If you're a tattoo artist, for example, it's a good idea to know how to spell because -- and I'm going out on a limb here -- few of your customers will be former spelling bee champions. Customers can get quite angry when they discover they have a permanent misspelling on their posterior.

Customer: "You idiot! Look what you wrote: 'My hart belongs to Tommy.'"

Tattoo artist (scratching head): "What's wrong with that?"

Customer: "It's supposed to be Tammy!"

Tattoo artist: "No problem, dude. I'll just change the O to an A. It won't look too bad."

Customer: "Okay, man. And I'll do the same with your check -- change the 0 to an A. It won't look too bad."

It can be expensive to remove tattoos, so before you get one, make sure you go to a good tattoo parlor, not one that claims to have the "best artits in town."

The same goes for sign painters. You don't want to be the laughing stock of your neighborhood, even if misspellings can make some signs more effective, such as the one that a property owner put on his gate: "Warning: Trespassers will be prostituted."

A misspelling can hurt a business, confusing or even scaring potential customers. And yet you can find hundreds of misspellings on business signs -- and that's just in New York City. Wherever you live, just look around and you're likely to spot signs like these:

At a carpet warehouse: "Ask us about our low installation rats." (No thanks. I've already complained to the city about all the road dents.)

At a limousine rental business: "We make you feel very impotent." (I'd better bring my pills along.)

At a furniture store: "All our sofas are now on clarence." (Poor Clarence! Someone call 911.)

At an Indian restaurant: "We appreciate our costumers." (Especially the ones dressed like Gandhi.)

At an electrolysis office: "No appointment necessary. Open to the pubic." (Sorry, but mine doesn't read. You'd better invest in a pubic-address system.)

Some of the worst spellers -- aside from teen-agers on the Net -- are people holding signs at public demonstrations. A couple of years ago, during a Martin Luther King Day march in Corpus Christi, Texas, a woman waved a sign that said "I have a draem." That didn't look too bad, actually, compared to the sign beside her, carried by a man who appeared to have raided the local liquor store: "I have de rum."

Swap a kidney, but don't try to buy one

Anyone want to swap a kidney?

No, I don't need one, but Lois Wilson's husband, Dave, does. The British Columbia woman recently placed an ad on the classified site Craigslist, seeking another couple to swap kidneys with. Basically, if you need a kidney and Lois's kidney happens to match yours, and if your partner can spare a kidney that happens to match Dave's, the kidney swap can take place, as long as the authorities approve and neither kidney files a motion in court.

Thankfully, kidneys can't hire attorneys -- they don't have enough money -- but even so, finding a kidney is a major challenge, almost as difficult as finding a comb in Don King's house.

That's why Lois and others are willing to do swaps. It's officially known as the "live donor paired kidney exchange program" and is legal in at least two provinces in Canada. The "kidney exchange program" is sort of like the "student exchange program" that everyone is familiar with, except that kidneys stay for an indefinite period and are more hard-working.

Kidneys are extremely important to us. According to Wikipedia, kidneys have numerous roles within our bodies, including "excreting waste products, regulating blood pressure, secreting a variety of hormones and ensuring that the spleen feels totally inadequate."

Despite their importance, we tend to take our kidneys for granted. We spend more time thinking about our heart, our lungs and, at least three times a day, our stomach. Even when we go to the bathroom, we hardly ever think of our kidneys, unless we've had too much to drink and run into the towel rack. "Ouch! My kidney!"

Most of us will never have any kidney trouble, will never have to worry about searching for a replacement. We can concentrate on replacing other things, such as our hair, our teeth and our "Hillary for President" bumper sticker.

But if we're unlucky enough to suffer from kidney disease or another serious ailment that requires us to undergo dialysis, we'll know what Dave Wilson and others have to go through. At first, we might be optimistic, saying to ourselves, "Well, at least I don't need a heart transplant. Almost everyone has a spare kidney. All I have to do is find someone with a matching kidney and tell them that if they're kind enough to donate it to me, I won't post naked pictures of them on the Internet."

We'll soon realize, of course, that coercing someone to donate a kidney is illegal. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "All I have to do is find someone with a matching kidney and tell them that if they're kind enough to donate it to me, I'll give them 50 grand, as well as a BMW and a 'Hillary for President' bumper sticker."

We'll soon realize, of course, that buying an organ is illegal, unless it happens to play music. The organ trade, thriving in some parts of the world, often results in the exploitation of poor people. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Exploiting a poor person would make me feel really guilty, so maybe I should try something else: exploiting a rich person."

We'll soon realize, of course, that rich people aren't easily exploited. (They might be tempted with a BMW, but only if it stands for Big Mansion in Waikiki.) Besides, it's illegal too. We wouldn't want to end up behind bars, even if we can impress all the folks there with our transplant scars. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Maybe I can find someone who will give me a kidney out of the goodness of their heart -- or even the goodness of their kidney."

We'll soon realize, of course, that while such noble people exist, unless we have a prior relationship with them, we can't legally have their kidney. No, it goes to the next person on the official waiting list. "Stop cutting in line. Some of us have been waiting seven years," the person says, giving us a glare and motioning us to the back of the line, which stretches all the way around George Foreman. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "Maybe the line will get shorter if more people sign up to be organ donors. Or if George signs up for Weight Watchers."

We'll soon realize, of course, that many people are clueless about organ donation. Ask them if they'd like to sign up and they'll shake their heads, saying to themselves, "All I have is a keyboard." Others just want to hang onto their organs, even after they're dead, just in case they need them in the afterlife. But we won't lose hope, saying to ourselves, "I'm lucky that I have a close-knit family. I'm sure they'd all be willing to visit me in prison."

Appreciate Mandela while you can

Nelson Mandela will turn 90 soon and, much to my dismay, his birthday has not been declared an international holiday. I have no choice but to declare it a personal holiday and spend it thinking about Mandela and the great example of his life, while sipping beer on the couch. Let the wife take out the trash.

Wife: "What are you drinking at this time of the day?"

Me: "It's not what I'm drinking that's important. It's what I'm thinking."

Wife: "I know what you're thinking -- that you need to do more drinking."

Me: "No, I'm thinking about Nelson Mandela. Did you know that he spent 27 years in prison, then came out and reconciled with his oppressors? That means that there's still hope for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger."

Wife: "Exactly how much have you had to drink?"

Actually, the only beer I drink is ginger beer. But I do occasionally drink wine and I'm hoping to raise a toast to the great man. Of course, one toast may not be enough. I'll probably have to toast him all day.

Me (raising glass): "To Mandela. May he live until he's 125."

Wife: "Isn't that your 125th toast today?"

Me: "Yeah, but don't worry: I'm going to take a break for breakfast. I'm starving."

Wife: "What are you going to have?"

Me: "Toast, of course. So I can raise it in Mandela's honor."

I hope everyone takes a moment to appreciate Mandela, for he won't be around forever. If you have a chance to see him, don't miss the opportunity. Make a pilgrimage to South Africa, if you have to. If you can't afford the plane ticket, try going there on a raft. Even a piece of Styrofoam might work. Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Mandela is the Gandhi of our time and if you're lucky enough to exchange a few words with him or shake his hand, you'll be able to brag about it for the rest of your life. You'll be the envy of everyone you meet. It'll be better than having tickets to the Wimbledon final. It'll be better than having a backstage pass at a U2 concert. It'll be better than having a child with Tom Brady.

Stranger: "Excuse me, is that the hand that once shook Mandela's hand?"

You (smiling broadly): "Yes, indeed. He put both his hands around it."

Stranger: "Wow, that's amazing. Do you allow people to shake it?"

You: "Yes, of course I do. Will you be using Visa or MasterCard?"

Stranger: "Do you accept cash?"

You: "Cash? This is 2025. Who uses cash anymore?"

Before you travel to South Africa, you need to make sure Mandela will be there. He's in demand all over the world. He has to attend concerts in his honor, unveil statues of himself on every continent and, of course, have tea at Buckingham Palace. He does it all with such grace and class, even whispering to the Queen that she need not bow.

Robert Mugabe, Hosni Mubarak and other leaders could learn from his example. He was elected president of South Africa in 1994 and, after serving one term, decided to step down, though he was only 81. He doesn't need power -- he has something far greater: integrity.

Column: Letter of appreciation to Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

My name is Baldev Singh (no relation to Vijay) and I too play golf. You may have heard of me. Last month, I won the prestigious Iraq Open. Let me tell you, it was an amazing experience. I've never played on a course with so many bunkers. At first, I was reluctant to go to Iraq. But my friend Mahmoud said to me, "Don't worry, Baldev. Everyone has a blast there."

You must be wondering why Baldev, Iraq Open Champion, is writing you. Well, I heard you will not be playing again this year to recover from your knee injury and, on behalf of other professional golfers, I just want to say this: THANK YOU.

Thank you for giving us a chance. We know you could have kept on playing. You won the U.S. Open with an injured leg -- a torn ligament and two stress fractures -- and you could have won the British Open while lying on a stretcher. You could have made us look really bad. You could have made us read headlines like this: "Woods Wins British Open, Returns to Intensive Care Unit."

But instead, you decided to be a generous man. And we are very thankful for that. Phil Mickelson is so grateful, he plans to mention you in his autobiography "Almost the Best." David Toms is so grateful, he plans to compete in the British Open with the letters "DT" (Dedicated to Tiger) on his shirt. Vijay Singh is so grateful, he plans to donate 10 percent of his earnings this year to the Save the Tiger Fund.

We appreciate all you have done for golf, Tiger. Thanks to you, many people are watching golf, even people in Afghanistan who usually prefer to watch goats graze. Thanks to you, golf is considered a real sport, no longer competing for attention with bingo and knitting. Thanks to you, we golfers are now considered athletes. Even John Daly is feeling a little athletic. You should have seen him running after the hot-dog cart.

You have won 14 major championships in the last 12 years. You have won every major tournament at least three times. You have nothing left to prove. That is why, on behalf of other professional golfers, I would like to ask you an important question: Have you ever considered early retirement?

Well, it wouldn't really be "early." After all, you have won 65 tournaments on the PGA tour. It is a significant number because, as you know, most people retire at 65. If I had won 65 tournaments, where do you think you would find me? On an island in the Caribbean, with a Swedish model by my side. You already have the Swedish model; all you need now is an island. There are many islands you can afford to buy. Is Trinidad big enough for you? What about Jamaica?

You have a lovely one-year-old daughter, Sam Alexis. Vijay, Phil and I were touched by the way she reached out to you at the U.S. Open. She couldn't talk, but looking at her expression, it was very clear to us what she was thinking: "Daddy, aren't you tired of hitting that little white ball? Don't you want to spend more time with me?"

You have earned almost $800 million in your career, but just in case you don't have enough money, Vijay, Phil and I have created the Tiger Woods Retirement Fund. We will each contribute 5 percent of our winnings from every tournament you miss. Vijay, bless his heart, has even agreed to take over all your sponsorship deals.

What do you say, Tiger? Do it for your wife. Do it for your daughter. Do it for Baldev, Iraq Open Champion.

Photo by Mike Davis