Obama makes history in more ways than one

Barack Obama has apparently clinched the Democratic Party's nomination for president, apparently gained enough delegates to ensure that he will run against John McCain to see who will spend the next four years looking totally incompetent.

I say "apparently" because you can never count out Hillary Clinton, even if it appears that she has dropped out of the race. She just never quits. That's why she's still married to Bill, when most women would have sent him packing after the 159th affair. "Let's keep trying," she says to him, words he's soon whispering into another woman's ear.

Yes, Hillary isn't a quitter. So don't be surprised if, between now and Aug. 25, when the Democrats hold their national convention, 100 Obama-supporting super-delegates mysteriously disappear, only to be discovered a year later at a commune in India, doing yoga and meditation.

But let's assume that Obama will be the nominee. It's important to pause and recognize the historical significance of this. It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate whose name begins with 'O.'

Obama is not only making history, he's opening the door for other 'O' candidates. Now you know why Oprah is so thrilled. And why there's so much excitement among the Irish. "It's wonderful," Irish cricketer Niall O'Brien said. "Everyone in Ireland is so happy that O'Bama won."

Another first is worth mentioning, even if it's fairly obvious: it's the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a candidate whose initials are BO. As everyone who has been to college knows, BO stands for beer obsession. Actually, it stands for body odor, which some students specialize in. I know one student who got a degree in it. He had a BA in BO.

In reference to Obama, however, it's obvious what BO stands for: born orator. If his mom were alive, she'd tell us how early he started speaking, how he would keep asking "When's my birthday coming? When's my birthday coming?" and how she'd reply, "Be patient in there! There's two whole months until the delivery date."

Yes, Obama is a great orator, a man who, just by giving a speech, can inspire people to improve themselves. He can inspire old people to embrace new technology, parents to embrace their children, college students to embrace a bar of soap. He can even inspire celebrities: Kiefer Sutherland to embrace abstinence, Oprah to embrace humility, Aishwarya Rai to embrace acting lessons.

Obama's speaking ability is matched by his amazing breadth of knowledge and attention to detail. Partly because he once lived abroad, his knowledge goes well beyond U.S. affairs, which brings us to another first: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who knows how to pronounce Pakistan. It's "Pah-kee-stahn," not the way President Bush pronounces it: "Pack-his-bags."

I think there's another significant first about Obama's nomination, but I just can't seem to remember it. What can I say, I'm getting old. Wait a minute ... I think it has something to do with race. Oh, I remember now: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who won the egg-and-spoon race in elementary school.

Photo by Steve Rhodes

(Thanks to longtime reader Rob Rachlin for pointing out O'bama's Irish heritage.)

Guidelines for travelers entering America

A U.S. Appeals Court has ruled that airport officials do not need "reasonable suspicion" to download data from a traveler's laptop or personal electronic storage device and keep it indefinitely. Coincidentally, the Department of Homeland Security has issued new guidelines for people entering America by air:

1. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search all your belongings. This includes all items you are bringing to the United States, as well as items you have left behind. Be prepared to provide your home address, a set of keys and a copy of directions from Google maps.

2. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search your body and your clothing, together or apart.

You may be asked to remove any head covering, including but not limited to: (a) skullcaps; (b) turbans; and (c) toupees.

You may be asked to remove any body covering, including but not limited to: (a) shirts; (b) dresses; and (c) plaster casts.

You may be asked to remove items attached to your head or body, including but not limited to: (a) false teeth; (b) nose rings; and (c) cell phones.

3. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to use various means to detect explosives, drugs or other illegal substances that you may be carrying or have recently consumed.

You may be subject to an X-ray of various body parts, including but not limited to: (a) your stomach; (b) your brain; and (c) your implants.

You may be subject to a thorough and intense dog sniffing. The sniffing may be directed toward but is not limited to: (a) your luggage; (b) your hand baggage; (c) your backside.

If you are afraid of dogs, you have the option of being sniffed by a lion.

You may also be asked to provide samples of fluids for testing, including but not limited to: (a) saliva; (b) urine; and (c) sweat. (The sweat will be collected during the interrogation.)

4. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to collect various data from you.

You may be subject to a collection of identification data from your body, including but not limited to: (a) your fingerprints; (b) a DNA sample; and (c) one of your kidneys.

You may be subject to a series of photographs, including but not limited to: (a) a "getting off the plane" shot; (b) an "entering the terminal" shot; and (c) a "using the restroom" shot.

You may be subject to a series of questions while hooked to a polygraph, including but not limited to: (a) "Did anyone pack your bags for you?" (b) "Have you ever been part of an organization that supports terrorism?" (c) "Do you agree with the statements of Barack Obama's former pastor?"

You may be asked to hand over your laptop computer, cell phone or other electronic storage device so that we may download information for our database, including but not limited to: (a) addresses and phone numbers of your contacts; (b) names of people you have poked on Facebook; and (c) jokes about President Bush you have forwarded.

5. By entering the United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to implant a Global Positioning System (GPS) inside you. As requested by the American Civil Liberties Union, the GPS system will automatically disintegrate and be absorbed by your body within 100 years.

Please note that you will be allowed to enter the United States only if you are deemed to be a low-risk threat and only if, by the time all the security procedures are taken, your visa has not expired.

Photo by Crashworks

Nothing nice about rice price

Rice is extremely popular in our household -- and I'm not talking about Condoleezza. I'm talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party.

My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn't cooking rice, she's often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli. She practically survives on rice. That's why I'm concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it's true, but I need rice to run my wife. Sure, she might operate on wheat or corn for a few weeks. But eventually I'd have to take her to the people mechanic.

Me: "She's been very sluggish lately, ever since I started filling her up with wheat and corn."

Doctor: "You're an idiot! Don't you know that she's got a rice engine?"

Me: "A rice engine?"

Doctor: "Yes, she's highly adapted to using rice as an energy source. Putting wheat and corn in her is like putting beer in your car. Only an idiot would do that."

Me: "Yeah, that's true. Lemonade is cheaper. Will she be all right? Is there any permanent damage?"

Doctor: "I'm not sure. Put her on the jack. I'll take a look under her."

Billions of other people share my wife's affinity for rice -- and that's just in India and China. Many people in Asia eat rice (or a rice product) three times a day. For them, it's not just a staple -- it's the entire stapler.

The price of rice has risen so fast, some people are paying twice as much as they did a few weeks ago. They're furious -- and understandably so. Just imagine how college students would feel if, all of a sudden, the price of beer doubled. There'd be riots on campus.

So what's causing the price increase? I attribute it to three factors:

1. Biofuels. Too many farmers are growing corn and other crops to produce biofuels such as ethanol. The farmers association slogan "We put food on your table" has been changed to "Food? Who said anything about food?"

2. Weddings. Too much rice is being thrown at newly weds. We need to change this tradition, which unnecessarily wastes good food. Next time I go to a wedding, I'm throwing fruitcake.

3. Drought. Farmers in some regions have been unable to grow rice and other crops, despite praying day and night to the rain gods. A few desperate farmers have even invited Dustin Hoffman to visit, because they heard he was the "Rain Man."

How dire is the situation? Well, several countries, including India and Vietnam, have stopped exporting rice, while Sam's Club, a division of Wal-Mart, is restricting customers to four bags of jasmine, basmati and long-grain white rice per visit. Four bags. In some Asian households, that's breakfast.

It reminds me of the time I visited a friend's house for dinner.

Friend: "Here's the appetizer. Rice chips."

Me: "Thank you. What's for dinner?"

Friend: "Fried rice with some rice soup. And for dessert we're having rice pudding."

Me: "Yummy! Anything to drink?"

Friend: "Yes, rice wine. It's homemade, like everything else."

Me: "Really? Where did you learn to cook so well?"

Friend: "Rice University."

Photo by Chris Traweek