Olympics triggers protests, boycotts and name-calling

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have put the spotlight on China, bringing attention to the conflict in Tibet and all the human rights abuses. Protesters disrupted Olympic torch relays in San Francisco and other western cities, many of them holding signs with stern messages for China such as “Free Tibet!” “Stop human rights abuses!” and “Give us cheaper TVs now!”

Indian soccer star Bhaichung Bhutia declined to run with the torch as "my way of standing by the people of Tibet," while actor Aamir Khan vowed to run with the torch "not in support of China" but "with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

Inspired by Khan, long jumper Anju Bobby George announced that she will protest China's human rights abuses by participating in the Beijing Olympics. "I am participating in the Olympics not in support of China," she said, "but with a prayer in my heart for the people of Tibet."

She pledged to lie on the ground before every jump, extending her legs outward to form a ‘T.’ “It may look like I’m stretching,” she said. “But I’m showing my support for Tibet.”

Just a day before the torch relay in India, cricket star Sachin Tendulkar pulled out of the event, saying that he had a groin injury. It's believed that he suffered the injury while running away from Tibetan activists.

Indian officials were so worried about protests that they drastically shortened the route of the torch relay, asking Khan to run with it from his bedroom to living room. He handed the torch to tennis star Leander Paes, who took it all the way to the kitchen. Other celebrities then did mini-runs from one appliance to another.

The video was doctored for Chinese television to show Khan and Paes running in front of the Taj Mahal, cheered on by thousands of people, including Mahatma Gandhi.

Meanwhile, CNN's Jack Cafferty is in trouble with the Chinese for calling them "goons and thugs," two of the worst insults that the FCC allows on American TV.

Saying that America imported Chinese-made "junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food," Cafferty added: "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years.”

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Jiang Yu demanded an apology, saying, "We are shocked at and strongly condemn the evil attack by the CNN anchor on the Chinese people. How dare he call us goons and thugs? Not all of us are goons and thugs."

Indeed, a New York Times investigation has found that only 1 percent of Chinese are goons and thugs -- and all of them work for the government.

Cafferty’s words have upset many of them, according to Jin Yao, president of the National Association of Goons and Thugs. “He say we same goons and thugs for last 50 years,” Yao said. “Is not true. We better goons and thugs than before. We take government course.”

In other news, some folks in Britain are trying their best to boycott everything from China. Harvey Wilson of London has stopped buying toys from China, John Rowling of Oxford has stopped buying electronics from China, and Linda Scott of Birmingham has dumped her boyfriend, Chang Lee.

In Winnipeg, Canada, Gerald Smith, a retired bus driver who spends most of his evenings at the local casino, said he’s getting rid of everything he owns that’s made in China, including all his appliances, furniture, clothes and teeth. Asked if he’s protesting a particular Chinese policy, Smith nodded and pointed to the words on his T-shirt: “Free to bet!”

Photo by Ricardo Ferreira

A vacation you're guaranteed to enjoy

Dear Parent,

Please forgive this intrusion on your time. I know how busy and challenging life can be when you have children. Kids are such a joy! I have three little ones myself and let me tell you, when I'm at work, I'm constantly looking at my watch, counting how many hours are left before the peace and calm ends.

I went on vacation last year with my wife and kids. We spent seven days in Florida, and when we returned home, I was exhausted. I felt like I had run a marathon. Thankfully, I had to go to work the next day. I was able to recover. It occurred to me that I had just spent thousands of dollars on a vacation that allowed me few moments of rest and relaxation, moments that usually ended with someone pounding on the door and saying, "Dad, come out of there! I need to pee."

That's why I decided to form a new company called Vacation Solution Inc. It's what all parents have been waiting for, the solution to our vacation woes. Yes, now you can have a restful vacation, up to seven days and seven nights in a tropical paradise, with someone else's children. Let some other parents take your problems. I mean, children.

Signing up for one of our relaxing vacations is easy. Just go to our website and pick the children you want to vacation with. You'd better hurry! The best children are going fast. (Mine are still available. If you want to take them for a week in December, I'm offering a free high-definition TV.)

Even if you don't get the best children, don't worry. Chances are, whichever children you get, they'll behave better than your own. How do I know this? Well, it's a scientifically proven fact that children behave up to 28 percent better when they're with adults they don't know. People are always saying to me, "Your children are so well-behaved. They're such angels!" And I say to them, "How would you like a free high-def TV?"

Let's face it: It's hard to be strict with your own kids. They know how to get their way, whether it's putting on a sad face, saying 'please' a hundred times or making so much noise, you can't hear what Oprah is saying. But you can be as strict as you want with someone else's children. They don't know which buttons to push, and even if they did, they'd be too afraid you might leave them in Acapulco.

We recommend that you be tough on them, as tough as a drill sergeant on fresh-faced recruits. Don't think of them as family members. Think of them as young people who have come along to handle your luggage. They can do all sorts of jobs for you: make your bed, wash your clothes, massage your feet.

You might be concerned that someone's going to be really tough on your children. Don't worry. It's only for a short time. Here's the important thing: once they're back from vacation, they'll think you're the greatest parent in the world. Yes, they'll finally learn to appreciate you. They might even kiss your feet.

You might also be concerned that someone else's children, not yours, will appear in your vacation photos, that you won't be able to show them to your friends and family. Don't worry. We've thought of that too. That's why we're offering all our customers a free trial of our professional Photoshop service. Just send us your vacation pictures and we'll make sure your children appear in them. For an extra fee, we'll even put smiles on their faces.

Photo by Utpal Nath

Look up the dissidents, the Olympics are coming

As the 2008 Summer Olympics approach, many people are scratching their heads and asking, "How in heaven's name was Beijing selected as the host city?" The answer is simple: Beijing was chosen because Baghdad was unavailable. Actually, the International Olympic Committee wanted to encourage China to emulate previous hosts and pursue democratic principles. China, in turn, pledged to be good hosts, promising to make athletes and other guests comfortable and, for at least three weeks, suspend all human rights abuses.

It's a good arrangement, really, opening the door for future Olympics to be held in places such as Tehran, Iran, and Pyongyang, North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to the 2020 Guantánamo Bay Olympics. By then, waterboarding will be an official event.

The Beijing Olympics are destined to be the most successful games in Olympic history. And if you don't believe me, just ask any Chinese journalist who isn't in prison. "Best Olympics ever," they will say. "That's what we've been told."

If you're a foreign journalist who disagrees, that's okay. You have the freedom to say what you want, while people in China have the freedom to believe whatever their government lets them.

Go ahead and put your views on the Internet. China does not block all websites, only the ones that discuss dangerous topics such as "democracy," "freedom" and "Tibet." You'll also be glad to know that China does not try to monitor all Internet searches, only the ones that originate within the country.

The Olympics are a great opportunity for China to show the world that it does more than just supply the world with various products. It also hits people over the head with batons. But it really doesn't want to. Some people just insist on putting their heads under the batons. Others insist on getting themselves tortured or sent to prison.

Yang Chunlin insisted on all three. The former factory worker, trying to get land rights for farmers, collected 10,000 signatures for an open letter, then posted it on the Internet with the title "We want human rights, not the Olympics." China had no choice but to come down hard on him, just in case people got the impression that Chinese people lack human rights.

"We don't mind people have human rights," a Chinese official said, "but we don't want people have human wrongs."

China, being a civilized society, doesn't believe in capital punishment. But many people insist on getting executed. They commit all sorts of crimes, including tax evasion and theft, leaving the government no choice but to execute them. China executes more people than the rest of the world combined -- yes, even more than the United States -- but on the bright side, China saves thousands of lives through organ donations.

After hearing about China's treatment of its citizens, you may be concerned about having the Olympics in Beijing. But don't worry, China has promised not to torture or execute any of the athletes.

It may, of course, hit a few of them over the head with a baton.

But then, "Baton hitting" is an exhibition sport at this Olympics.

Obama belongs to all of us

I have a message for my African-American friends: Stop claiming Barack Obama as one of yours. He's not one of yours. He's one of OURS. In case you haven't checked, Obama isn't just black. He's half-black, half-white and half-Asian. Okay, perhaps he isn't half-Asian, but his step-father was Indonesian, he was raised partly in Indonesia, and most of his clothes are from Asia. So don't you dare laugh when you're driving through Chinatown and see a bumper sticker that says "I'm Voting For Obama. He's Almost Asian!"

If you're Hispanic, you can take pride in him too. Did you know that Obama loves tortilla chips and salsa, and he once sat through an entire Jennifer Lopez movie? Yes, the man has gone to great pains to discover his Hispanic side.

When they make a movie about Obama, you'll see him flying to the White House in a cape, with people gazing up and gasping, "It's a black man! It's a white man! It's everyman!"

Obama identified himself with the African-American community as a young man, partly because he felt a need to belong, and that suits everyone just fine, because we love to put people into neat categories. But his background is quite different from most African-Americans. After all, there aren't many African-Americans who could organize a family reunion and harbor a slight fear that Dick Cheney might show up.

And there aren't many African-Americans who could fly to Africa, host a dinner party for their extended family and have hundreds of people showing up, most of whom are actually related to them.

Obama's late father was Kenyan and his late mother was Kansan. If he's elected to the White House, it will be a momentous, historic occasion, because, as everyone knows, America has never had a Kenyan-Kansan president. Yes, he'll be America's very first K-K president, much to the dismay of the KKK.

Obama has given credit to his white mother for raising him after his father left, writing in his memoir that "what is best in me I owe to her." But despite all that, it's his father's race that seems to define him. "If you have one drop of black blood, you're black," society seems to say. But what if every drop of your blood is red?

Shouldn't we celebrate Obama's mixed heritage, instead of glossing over it, instead of cutting off his mother's side?

The same can be asked about Tiger Woods. Journalists often refer to Tiger as an African-American golfer, except in Thailand, where journalists describe him as "the golfer whose mother is Thai."

According to Wikipedia, Tiger's late father, Earl, was half African-American, one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Native American, while his mother, Kultida, is half Thai, one-quarter Chinese and one-quarter Dutch. That makes Tiger one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African-American, one-eighth Native American and one-eighth Dutch. And that makes me glad I studied fractions in high school.

Thanks to those lessons, I've figured out that Tiger is -- drum roll please! -- twice as much Asian as African-American. But not many people know that. If they made a movie about him, it would be called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Asian."

Tiger, quite smartly, considers himself “Cablinasian” (a combination of Caucasian, Black, American-Indian and Asian.) He's not just a great golfer, but also a great role model, making so many people proud, especially those in the Cablinasian community. You may not know this, but for 10 consecutive years, they've selected him as "Cablinasian of the Year."

Tiger has a unique genetic makeup -- and so does each of us, no matter our racial background. Obama owes his not just to his father, but also his mother. That's why it puzzles me that 92 percent of blacks supported him in the Mississippi primary, but only 26 percent of whites did.

Why such a racial divide over a candidate who's half-this and half-that?

The billionaire's house that's helping everyone

What kind of house does a billionaire build? Well, if you're Bill Gates, you build a $100 million, high-tech house that's full of modern amenities, such as a 17-by-60-foot swimming pool that plays music underwater, a reception hall that seats 150 people and an underground shelter in case the maids and gardeners need to hide from immigration.

If you're Mukesh Ambani, the Indian industrialist, you build a house that has 27 floors, a parking garage for 168 imported cars, and three helipads, so you don't have to drive any of those cars. At least not until they build special lanes for billionaires.

Ambani's house, named Antilla and sprouting on Mumbai's Altamount Road, is costing hundreds of millions of dollars -- as much as $1 billion, according to some reports -- but that's no major burden for one of the richest men in the world. How rich is he? He's rich enough to contribute millions of dollars to Bill and Hillary Clinton, if only politicians weren't so ethical. He's rich enough to buy his very own island in the Pacific, if only Australia were for sale. He's rich enough to immunize and educate millions of Indian children, if only Bill Gates weren't doing that already.

There are many ways to contribute to society, many ways to help the disadvantaged, and one of the ways Ambani is doing it, his supporters have me convinced, is by building a huge house. So before you judge him, before you label his house an appalling and outrageous display of wealth, you need to look at the positive impact the house will have on thousands, if not millions, of Indians. Indeed, some people are already calling it the Mother Teresa of Houses.

Among the first to benefit, of course, are the people involved in the construction, not just the architects, engineers and other high-skilled workers, but also scores of laborers. Not only have they earned a paycheck for a couple of years, they will always walk past the house with pride, in much the same way that the workers in ancient Egypt walked past the pyramids.

Many have improved their lives by working on the Ambani house. A laborer named Arunath, for example, has managed to move his family from a one-room, ramshackle house in a Mumbai slum to a two-room, ramshackle house in a Mumbai slum. That may not seem like a big improvement, but small steps are important, which is why the Ambanis are making theirs out of marble. It symbolizes the progress that everyone is making.

While the house will be the principal residence for Ambani, his wife, Neeta, their three children and Ambani's mother, it will also give comfort and shelter to numerous servants and others. And let's not forget that the house, at a height of 27 stories, will also provide shade to any pavement dwellers nearby. (If they happen to enter the opulent neighborhood.) To the delight of animal activists, the building is also likely to offer a resting spot for pigeons and other weary birds.

The Ambanis are expected to employ 600 people in the house. They have created many of these jobs for the sole purpose of giving people an opportunity to work and gain a sense of self-worth. The indoor swimming pool, for example, is being built largely as a means to employ a lifeguard, pool boy and margarita server. Ambani has collected so many imported cars in order to give work to drivers, mechanics and insurance salesmen. Neeta has been just as benevolent.

Neeta: "I want to find work for two more people, make a difference in two more lives."

Mukesh: "If you buy a hundred more shoes and handbags, you can hire another wardrobe attendant."

Neeta: "Good idea. If I have two wardrobe attendants, then I could create another position: supervisor of wardrobe attendants. ... Let me call Isha ... Isha, let's go shopping. We need to help more people!"

When your goal is to employ hundreds of people, you have to come up with some ingenious ways to keep them occupied. Hence such creative job titles as "pantry organizer," "panty organizer," "pant organizer" and "pan organizer." And, of course, "paan organizer."

In the adult bathrooms, they'll have jobs such as "perfume sprayer," "teeth polisher" and "grey hair snipper." In the children's bathrooms, they'll have "hair comber," "face washer" and "pimple cream applier."

Perhaps the building's biggest role will be to serve as a source of pride and motivation for millions of Indians, particularly children. Inspired by the Ambani house, many of them will be eager to take advantage of Bill Gates' educational programs.

Together, the two billionaires are making a huge difference.

Too old to rule? Only if you drool

Fidel Castro ruled Cuba for almost 50 years, but the 81-year-old is ailing, so it's not surprising that the presidency of the country has been officially passed to his youthful brother Raul, who is only 76.

Raul's top vice president, Jose Ramon Machado, is young too. The revolutionary leader is only 77. The other five vice presidents are 56, 80, 68, 63 and 71. If you're good at math, you've already figured out that the average age of Cuba's top seven leaders is 70. And you've also realized that there must be something wrong with a political system that doesn't give opportunities to people in their late eighties and nineties.

If you're 93 and want to hold a top political post, you should be given a chance. I say this because one of my readers, Ernestine "Ernie" Stripe, is 93 and she would make a fine Cuban vice president. (If you're reading this Raul, please appoint Ernie as one of your vice presidents, so people do not accuse you of age discrimination.)

Just because you're old, it doesn't mean you can't be a good leader. Old people have a lot of wisdom and they also have lots of experience doing what politicians do the most: sitting around and talking. They're also good at shaking hands and waving.

If you don't think those are important skills, you probably don't follow politics closely. You probably didn't pay attention to President Bush's recent trip to Africa, in which he and several other presidents did a whole lot of "sitting around and talking." In Tanzania, for example, Bush sat around and talked to President Jakaya Kikwete.

Kikwete: "Welcome to Tanzania, President Bush."

Bush: "Thank you, President Kikwete. Things have changed a lot since the last time I was in West Africa."

Kikwete: "Yes, things have changed in East Africa too."

Bush: "I'm pleased to hear that. I will be going there next."

Kikwete: "I have some gifts for you, specially from our country: a stuffed leopard and lion, and a zebra skin."

Bush: "Thank you. I have a gift for you, specially from our country: a pair of Shaquille O'Neal basketball shoes."

Kikwete: "Thank you. They will be a good addition to my house."

Bush: "Yes, I suppose so. But don't you already have enough guest rooms?"

As you can see, Bush is getting good at this. He has seven years of experience. At 61, he's at an age where he can keep a conversation going with anyone, even himself. Just imagine how good he'll be in 20 years. But instead of bringing his wise leadership to America, he'll be bringing it to the Crawford, Texas, Shuffleboard Team.

Even at 81, Bush would be younger than one of the most successful leaders in Canada: Hazel McCallion. She's 87 and is serving her 11th consecutive term as mayor of Mississauga, Ontario. Forget the rocking chair, she's got city councilors to scare.

My motherland, India, loves old politicians. The current president, Pratibha Patil, is 72. The previous four presidents, Abdul Kalam, K.R. Narayanan, S.D. Sharma and R. Venkataraman, were 70, 76, 73 and 76 respectively. Dr. Kalam was the youngster of the bunch, barely making the cut. Had he been 69, we would have known him as just another eccentric scientist.

Let's face it: Age is just a number. At least that's what Mick Jagger says to all the schoolgirls.

Age is often an asset, not a handicap. John McCain, the Republican Party's presidential nominee, is 71 years old and has been through a lot in his life, including being a prisoner of war. That's got to be a major asset.

Don't tell me he's too old to be president. If anything, he might be too young.

Photo by Marcn

Scientific research does wonders for our lives

Where would we be without scientific research? Six feet under, probably. I say "probably" because some of us might still be moving around, the ones who've had their ashes scattered in the ocean.

Yes, scientific research is vital to our existence, almost as important as food, oxygen and coffee. But wait a minute, you might say, the cavemen didn't conduct research and they managed just fine. Well, that's not completely true. They did conduct research -- they just didn't think of publishing it. Oongah the caveman, for example, was able to conclude, from counting all the bumps on his head, that it wasn't good for his health to comment on his wife's weight. His wife, meanwhile, was able to conclude that it was possible to make a man change his ways, without resorting to violence. Just by withholding certain favors, you could get him to bang his head against the wall.

Modern research is more sophisticated, of course, and more widespread. Just do an Internet search and you'll come across thousands of studies that have been conducted all over the world, even in Saskatchewan, Canada. A few recent ones underscore the importance of funding scientific research and keeping researchers happy. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my wife is a researcher. She has conducted mostly animal research, including an ongoing experiment on what it's like to be married to one.)

An Australian study found that blue-collar workers are at a higher risk of developing cancer than white-collar workers. What's causing the cancer? Well, you don't have to be a scientist to realize that it must have something to do with the blue dye in their collars. At least that's what I thought until I read a little further. Blue-collar workers such as truck drivers, fruit and vegetable growers and hairdressers are at greater risk because they're exposed to chemicals, dyes, pesticides and viruses. Think about that the next time you need a haircut. Make sure you wash your hair well beforehand, so your hairdresser isn't exposed to chemicals, dyes and pesticides. You can always spray for bugs later.

A Spanish study found that women aren't tall and skinny, as many fashion designers envision them, but instead fall into three body types: hourglass, pear shape and cylinder. The pear-shaped ones are at higher risk, of course, of marrying a fruit grower. But that's not the point of the study. The point is to get the fashion industry to design clothes that normal women can wear, and by "normal," I mean women who eat.

A U.S. study found that attractive people tend to date other attractive people. There are exceptions, of course. Who would have thought that Angelina Jolie, for example, would end up with an unsightly dork like Brad Pitt? Especially since she was previously married to that stud muffin Billy Bob Thornton. The study didn't just focus on attractive people. Whatever your level of attractiveness, you're likely to date someone at a similar level. If you're on a hot date in West Virginia, for example, don't be surprised if you and your date have an equal number of missing teeth.

An Indian study found that IT professionals are prone to suffer from CRI (Computer Related Injury). It's easy to strain your neck, back, shoulders or wrists while using a computer. I hurt my arm the other day, just from tossing my computer against the wall. I've also got a number of bumps on my head, which, I'm starting to suspect, has something to do with reading emails from my wife.

It's really too bad that Oongah didn't publish his study.

Photo by Miss Pupik