Don't say no-no to the Nano

Here's some exciting news: The world's cheapest car will soon be hitting the roads of India. Tata Motors recently unveiled the Nano, a car that will surely make many middle-class people happy, particularly Hyundai owners, who will now feel like they're driving luxury cars.

The Nano will come in three models, with the standard one carrying a dealer price of only Rs. 1 lakh (about $2,500), or what Paris Hilton spends on hairspray. As you can imagine, there’s been tons of interest in the Nano, ever since the very first press conference.

Tata spokesman: "We're pleased to announce that we're going to be introducing a one-lakh car."

Reporter: "A one-lakh car? Will it have four wheels?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have four wheels -- and even a steering wheel."

Reporter: "What about brakes?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have brakes."

Reporter: "Headlights?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have headlights."

Reporter: "Air-conditioning?"

Spokesman: "It's a one-lakh car, you idiot!"

The Nano may seem cheap to some Indians, but for others, it's just the right price, enabling them to switch from two wheels to four, to put a roof over their heads. The car is designed to seat five people, which means it's perfect for a family of 12. Three-year-old Raju no longer needs to ride on the crossbar -- he can move to a far more comfortable spot on great-grandma's lap.

The Nano is truly a model of Indian ingenuity. As one proud Indian put it, "We are showing the world that no one can beat us when it comes to going cheap."

China has produced cheap products for decades, and you can bet that as soon as they're done hosting the Olympics, they'll be working on their own version of the Nano, probably called the Nona. But it's going to be tough to reproduce the Nano, a car that costs so little, even the workers at Tata might be able to afford it. So how did the company do it? As senior managers at U.S. auto firms are asking, "How did Tata manage to reduce costs so drastically without outsourcing any of the work?"

Well, that's a carefully guarded secret, known to only a few top-level managers and their husbands. What's clear, though, is that Tata's engineers worked very hard. Just picture a meeting between the engineering director, Ravi, and three engineers, Mukund, Ranga and Laxmi.

Ravi: "So what do you all think? Have you made a decision?"

Mukund: "Yes, it was difficult to reach a consensus, but we finally decided
to order pizza."

Ravi: "Good choice! I'm tired of having Chinese. What about cost-cutting
ideas? What parts of the car can we eliminate?"

Ranga: "I think we can do without the seats. We can get people to sit cross-legged on the floor, like my grandma does. That would save a lot of money."

Ravi: "Good thinking. We should definitely consider that. What about you, Laxmi? Any ideas?"

Laxmi: "We can do without the glove compartment. How many Indians wear gloves anyway?"

Ravi: "Brilliant! You're getting a raise. What about you, Mukund?"

Mukund: "We can do without the rear-view mirror. Nobody looks at the rear anyway."

Ravi: "You're right. India is a forward-looking country. Don't you think so, Laxmi?"

Laxmi: "Yes, sir. I'm looking forward to my raise."

If you buy a Nano, you will have to occasionally look in the rear. That's where you'll find the 35-horsepower engine, powerful enough to allow the Nano to accelerate as fast as some lawn mowers. (It can go from 0 to 6 in one minute flat.)

It doesn't go as fast as other cars, but on most roads in India, there's too much congestion to go fast. Just ask the guy in the Mercedes Benz who keeps getting passed by the guy in the bullock cart.

The Nano does have the advantage of being small enough to squeeze through narrow spaces and, if necessary, go under elephants. Unfortunately, as one automobile expert put it, "There just aren't enough elephants in India to make that a good selling point."

In fact, on my last visit to India, I didn't spot a single elephant. I did spot other animals on the roads, of course, but which country doesn't have its share of aggressive, out-of-control motorcyclists?

2008 will be a historic year

As the new year begins, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish my loyal readers much happiness in 2008. I hope the year brings good health and prosperity to both of you.

It's going to be a historic year, a year in which we'll see the first African-American elected to the White House. How do I know this? Well, as a committed journalist, I do a great amount of research, looking at surveys, trends and other data. And then I throw it all away and consult a tarot reader. I also gaze into a crystal ball and make a long-distance call to a Zambian witch doctor. Yes, I cover all my bases, which is how I'm able to make bold predictions like this: India will win more medals at the Olympic Games in Beijing than the entire continent of Antarctica.

If you don't think that prediction is bold enough, here's one that will really knock your socks off: Peace will finally come to the Middle East. Yes, both Israelis and Palestinians will be thrilled to get a visit from British author David Peace.

Here's what else I see in 2008:

• Democrat Barack Obama is elected president of America, beating Republican Mike Huckabee in a landslide. To the delight of his biggest supporter, he announces plans to convert a section of the White House into a studio for The Oprah Winfrey Show. That enables him to appear on the show regularly and gives Oprah a bigger stage to continue leading America.

• Osama bin Laden, upset that not enough people are listening to his recorded messages, releases his next video on YouTube and attracts millions of viewers by calling it "Osama's Night With Paris Hilton." But the viewers, most of them American, are disappointed to find Osama lecturing them from the steps of the Hilton hotel in Paris.

• Robert Mugabe announces that he'll step down as president of Zimbabwe before he turns 100. Thousands of elated Zimbabweans dance in the streets, chanting, "Only 16 more years! Only 16 more years!" But a few weeks later, Mugabe makes another announcement: "I've instructed the Minister of Home Affairs to reissue my birth certificate. I'm now 40 years old."

• Arnold Schwarzenegger is nominated for an Oscar for what the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences calls his "amazingly realistic portrayal of a politician who cares about the environment." An excited Schwarzenegger brags that one of his Hummers runs solely on hydrogen, saying, "Trust me, it's much better than gas."

• The Olympic Games in Beijing produce a number of surprises, the biggest of which comes at the conclusion of the games, when journalists are stunned to realize that no member of the Bulgarian weightlifting team has tested positive for drugs. Another surprise occurs in women's gymnastics when a 14-year-old from Canada tests positive for food.

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announce that they have selected Botswana as the country in which their next baby will be conceived. They decline to reveal which lucky country will host the baby's birth, but British bookmakers make Malawi the early favorite, while offering 10,000 to 1 odds against it being Iraq.

• Following a fatal attack by a Siberian tiger, the board of San Francisco Zoo decides not to keep wild tigers in small enclosures. Thousands of people buy tickets to see the new "Tiger in the Woods" exhibit. But many of them go home disappointed, saying, "We didn't even get to see Mrs. Woods."

• Parliamentary elections are finally held in Pakistan, with the late Benazir Bhutto's Pakistan Peoples Party sweeping to power, allowing her husband, Asif Ali Zardari, to become the country's new crime minister. Her 19-year-old son, Bilawal Zardari, gets a newly created position in the Cabinet: Minister of Social Networking.

The children and the couch, a stained relationship

My wife and I are in the market for a new couch. And by that I mean that she's looking for a piece of fine furniture that will enhance the decor of our living room, matching the other furnishings and creating an atmosphere of warmth and comfort, while I'm looking for something long enough to sleep on.

Our old couch has become rather ratty. We don't want to keep it much longer, even if we can get rid of the rats.

Actually, we don't have any rats. We have something worse: brats. Three of them, to be precise. There's a 5-year-old named Lekha who likes to jump on the couch, a 3-year-old named Divya who likes to spill food on the couch, and a 20-month-old named Rahul who likes to jump on the food on the couch. (Someone has to work it into the fabric.)

Rahul hasn't yet learned how to drink from cups, but when his sisters are drinking on the couch, he insists on doing it too. And when he's done, he's often the only one still sitting on the couch, though he'd feel drier and a lot more comfortable sitting on the kitchen sponge.

As you can imagine, Rahul has left a number of stains on the couch. I've tried to have a positive attitude about this. I've tried to think of him as an artist and the couch as his canvas. I've tried to move young Michelangelo around, so he can create a symmetrical pattern.

The problem is, the couch has been partitioned, in much the same way that India was. The left side belongs to Lekha, the right side to Divya, and the middle to Rahul. (I have to give my kids credit: they did a better job than the British.) What this means is that Rahul cannot move around freely, not without getting a visa.

Divya is like North Korea -- she usually denies visa requests. Lekha is more welcoming, but her fee can be rather excessive. And she insists on being paid in one of three currencies: cookies, cake or candy. If you look suspicious, as all boys do, she might put you through a search at the border. And if you don't follow her rules, she'll be quick to deport you.

Every now and then, I see my three children sitting together on one side of the couch, arms around each other, and it warms my heart, makes my day, as though they're Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi. I usually run to fetch the camera, but by the time I return, the borders are being enforced again.

If you're wondering why they're so protective about their sections of the couch, it's probably because they've buried some treasure there. Just stick your hands under the cushions and you'll come across a variety of treasure: hairpins, rubber bands, crayons, pizza slices.Yes, if you're hungry, don't run to the refrigerator -- make a dash for the right side of the couch and grab any food that doesn't have Rahul's footprints on it.

Before getting rid of the couch, I'm going to turn it over and get Lekha to jump on it. But I'm a little afraid of what might fall out.

It's been a few months since the neighbor last saw his cat.