Hit the border, the dollar is up

If you just inherited 100,000 dollars from a long-lost relative, you’d better hope it’s from the right country. If it’s Canadian dollars, you can throw a big party; if it’s American or Australian dollars, you can pop some champagne; and if it’s Zimbabwean dollars, you’d better get a hanky.

Yes, the Zimbabwean dollar isn’t doing too well. Your inheritance might still buy you a car, but only if there’s a clearance sale at the toy store.

The U.S. dollar hasn’t plunged quite that far, but it’s starting to resemble Pam Anderson’s neckline. If it drops any further, Dick Cheney might have a heart attack.

At the start of the year, one U.S. dollar would get you 1.17 Canadian dollars, which was a pleasant surprise to American tourists, including the man who exclaimed, “I had no idea those people up north had their own money.”

Today, the U.S. dollar is worth 0.94 Canadian dollars, which has created a lot of excitement among Canadians, especially all the people who like to cross the border to shop. Marketing experts have a term for these people: ‘women.’

Canadian women, even those who don’t know the first thing about finances, are keeping track of the dollar’s value as closely as they keep track of General Hospital. “It’s up by a cent!” they yell to their husbands or boyfriends. “That means, if we convert $1,000, let me see ... we can get an extra set of panties!”

Go to any bank and you’re likely to find someone converting, someone with a big purse and an even bigger smile. There hasn’t been this much converting in Canada since Billy Graham last visited.

Head to the border and you’ll see a long line of cars waiting to enter the U.S. Some are filled with women – mothers and daughters, sisters and friends, eager to share the female bonding shopping experience. “Get your Visas ready, ladies,” one of them will say. “MasterCards too.”

But most don’t need credit cards – they’ve brought cash, loads of cash. (Don’t worry, they’ve kept it in a safe place, never mind that a few of them look like Dolly Parton.) Some have also brought their husbands and boyfriends along. Men are useful on these trips for three main reasons: (1) someone needs to keep an eye on the shopping bags outside the women’s fitting room; (2) someone needs to carry all the bags to the car; and (3) if they run out of cash and need to stop at a bank, someone needs to drive the getaway car.

Not only is the Canadian dollar worth more than its southern cousin, prices are generally lower in America, prompting across-the-border shoppers to load up on everything from soft drinks to software.

Wife: “How much space do we have in the car? Can we squeeze this microwave in?”

Husband: “No, it’s pretty crammed in there.”

Wife: “What about on your lap?”

Husband: “I’m carrying the refrigerator on my lap, remember?”

Wife: “What about on the roof?”

Husband: “No, we’d need to have a roof rack for that. We can’t just put a microwave on the roof. It might fall off. It’s unsafe.”

Wife: “Okay, what if we put the refrigerator on your seat and put the microwave on top of it?”

Husband: “Where will I sit?”

Wife: “Uh … what about on the roof?”

Photo by Kevin Dooley

No family reunion for Obama and Cheney

Nothing has stunned me more this year than the news that presidential candidate Barack Obama and Vice President Dick Cheney are related. It’s almost like hearing that Paris Hilton has decided to become a missionary. Or that she knows how to spell “missionary.”

Obama is a Democrat, a die-hard liberal, while Cheney is a Republican, conservative to the core. But they do have some things in common. For example: two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The same number of limbs, too.

When it comes to buttering their bread, they’re both conservative. When it comes to buttering their staff, they’re both liberal.

Cheney has been known to hunt ducks. Obama has been known to duck hunts. Cheney has a reputation for stuffing his mouth. Obama has a reputation for mouthing stuff.

But even with such similarities, no one ever suspected that the two leaders were related. It was Cheney’s wife, Lynn, who discovered that they have a common ancestor while researching her memoir. She broke the news to her husband gently, moments after he revived her.

Dick: “Lynn, what’s wrong? Why did you faint?”

Lynn: “I just found out something about your past.”

Dick (turning pale): “What is it, honey? Is it something I can have expunged?”

Lynn: “No, Dick, this can’t be erased. You have a common ancestor with someone you don’t particularly like.”

Dick (turning even paler): “Who is it, honey? Clinton? Kennedy? Bin Laden?”

Lynn: “No, Barack Obama.”

Dick: “Phew! What a relief. It’s only Broke Bama.”

Lynn: “It’s Barack Obama, Dick. He’s your relative now, so you’d better learn how to pronounce his name.”

Obama and Cheney are apparently eighth cousins, with a common ancestor who lived in the 17th century. While Obama’s mother was American, his father was Kenyan, which means that there are a lot of people in Kenya who are now related to Cheney. And not many of them are happy about that, as a newspaper reporter found.

Reporter: “How do you feel about being related to Dick Cheney?”

George Obama (Barack’s cousin): “I don’t like it. He is the white sheep in the family.”

Reporter: “Don’t you mean ‘black sheep’?”

George: “No, we use the term ‘white sheep’ in Kenya.”

It’s not clear whether Obama’s relationship to Cheney will be a liability in the presidential race. Hillary Clinton, who’s running against Obama for the Democratic nomination, says she will not remind voters that Obama is related to Cheney, as long as he does not remind voters that she is related to Bill.

Another candidate, John Edwards, says he isn’t concerned about the relationship at all. “I don’t think it should be an issue in the presidential campaign,” he said. “I happen to like Barack Cheney. I mean, Obama.”

Cheney is not running for political office in 2008, but even he’s feeling the strain of being related to someone of a different political stripe. “Dick doesn’t have a liberal bone in his body,” an anonymous friend said. “But a few years ago, he discovered that his daughter is a lesbian and now he’s found out that one of his cousins is a liberal. Is it any wonder that the man keeps having heart attacks?”