Don't wait for the boat, learn to swim

I’ve never been a great swimmer. But I can move around the water fairly well, so well that I often hear encouraging words from people, such as “Good job, Melvin,” “Nice movement, Melvin,” and “Melvin, I think you’re almost ready to get out of the kiddie pool.”

I don’t want to brag, but I’m quite good at the breaststroke, even better than I am at stroking other body parts.

If you asked me whether I’m a beginner, intermediate or advanced swimmer, I’d have to say that I’m definitely an advanced beginner. On a scale of one to 10, I’m a solid two.

The important thing is, I know how to float. I’m an expert at floating. I can do it for several hours at a time, as long as there’s no leak in the raft.

If it happens to be leaking … well, then I can probably stay afloat by myself for an hour or two. I’m not likely to drown in a body of water, unless there’s a strong current, unless someone drops the radio in. But that’s electrocution, not drowning.

Swimming is a vital skill, as I’m constantly reminded when I read the news. Almost every day, there’s a story of drowning. People drown in all kinds of ways: some fall out of boats, some get caught in floods, some get drunk and think their cars are submarines.

Driver (entering ocean): “How do you like my new submarine, dude?”

Passenger: “Submarine? Who told you this was a submarine?”

Driver: “That’s what it’s called, dude. Submarine.”

Passenger: “Subaru, you idiot! It’s called a Subaru!”

Nearly 3,000 people drown every year in America alone – and most of them are sober. The highest drowning rate, sadly, is among children aged four and younger. They drown in pools, bathtubs, buckets and even toilets. If you’re a responsible parent, you’ll supervise your children whenever they’re around water or other liquids. And if you catch them sticking objects in the toilet, you’ll resist the temptation to say, “What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you use your head?”

Knowing how to swim won’t prevent every type of drowning, but it does reduce the risk drastically. That’s why it’s an essential skill for everyone. It doesn’t matter where in the world you live, unless of course you’re a bushman in the Kalahari Desert, in which case you’re probably not reading this column.

In certain parts of South Asia, including Bangladesh, knowing how to swim is almost as important as knowing how to walk. You don’t need a swimming pool to practice. You just need to stand outside and wait for the rain.

Every year, the monsoons come, and every year, there’s massive flooding. If you’re lucky, the water reaches only your shoulders and you can walk slowly to higher ground, carrying your TV on top of your head. If you’re unlucky, the water is higher than your house and you find yourself sitting on a tree, searching desperately for the most popular guy in your neighborhood – the one with a boat.

You: “Over here, Abdul! Please bring your boat over here! I don’t know how to swim.”

Abdul: “Sorry, there’s not enough space in my boat. I’ve saved Raman and his big TV.”

You: “Tell Raman to dump his TV, so you’ll have space for me.”

Abdul: “Dump his TV? Are you crazy? The cricket match is tonight!”

Don't holler if you find a Zimbabwe dollar

In case you’ve heard of the economic crisis in Zimbabwe and are worried about the millions of people struggling to buy food and other essentials, let me give you some good news. President Robert Mugabe, longtime leader of the southern African nation, has come up with a brilliant solution: He’s going to print more money.

According to the Associated Press, Mugabe told a meeting of council members, “Where money for projects has not been found, we will print it.” A heated discussion followed, with some members favoring the Hewlett-Packard Laser Jet printer and others preferring Dell.

Economists in Zimbabwe were soon scratching their heads, asking themselves, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

That’s what separates the great leaders from the average ones. They know how to think “outside the box.” Mugabe’s ingenious strategy has caused American economist Craig Newmark to declare, “This year's race for the Nobel Prize in Economics is over. Robert Mugabe will win.”

I don’t know if he’ll win the Nobel, but he’ll certainly be in the running, especially if he prints some Swedish money and mails it to the committee.

At least one of you is probably thinking, “But Melvin, isn’t printing money illegal? My cousin Sal tried to do it and he’s now serving five years in the penitentiary.”

Sal is not very smart. If he wants to print money, he needs to do it legally. He needs to go to Zimbabwe and work for the president. He’ll be able to print all sorts of items: one-million-dollar notes, land and property deeds, letters of admiration from economists around the world.

A million-dollar note may soon be necessary, considering the rampant inflation plaguing the country. Prices are rising faster than Salman Rushdie’s alimony payments. A loaf of bread costs 50 times what it did a year ago, which means that the only people who are eating bread on a regular basis are the night watchmen at the bakery. Poor guys, they can’t afford to nap anymore.

The Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe has just issued a 200,000 Zimbabwe dollar note, which will buy you a 1kg bag of sugar. That’s not much at all, especially since just a few years ago, you could have bought the sugar plantation.

Folks just can’t afford to buy necessities anymore. “It doesn’t make sense for me to spend 50,000 Zimbabwean dollars on a small bundle of firewood,” said a 30-year-old woman named Esther. “Especially when I can get a better, longer-lasting fire by burning the cash.”

A 25-year-old man named Gift said he would not pick a 1,000 Zimbabwean dollar note off the ground. “It is worthless,” he said. “No one will pick it up.”

Actually, some people do pick it up. “If we care about our country, we shouldn’t leave money lying around,” said a 50-year-old man named James. “We should pick it up and put it into a trash bin.”

Not only are prices too high, food and other items are in short supply. People have to stand in line for everything. There are lines for bread, lines for milk, even lines for lines.

Young man: “Excuse me, is this the line to buy fishing line?”

Old man: “No, they’re out of fishing line again. This is the line to call the complaint line.”

Young man: “Who do we complain to? Mugabe?”

Old man: “It’s not Mugabe’s fault. He’s been in power for only 27 years. You’ve got to give him time.”

Young man: “Time for what?”

Old man: “To print more money, of course.”