Blogging to Get the Truth Out

Posted 10:05 a.m., April 16, 2007: Just heard on Fox News that there’s been a shooting at Virginia Tech. Dozens of people have been shot and at least two have been killed. This is the kind of terrorist attack I’ve been warning everyone about since 9/11. I’m sure the liberal media isn’t reporting this, but there are a number of Muslims at Virginia Tech, most of them posing as students. I’m not saying that one of them may have carried out this attack – I’m saying that several of them may have. This is why I blog – to get the truth out.

Posted 11:35 a.m., April 16, 2007: This attack is worse than I thought. The death toll is now 22! The attack happened in two places on campus, which proves that several Muslims were involved. This was a well-planned attack, probably carried out by terrorists from Iraq, Pakistan and other Arab countries. Osama is celebrating somewhere, I’m sure, throwing a big party in his cave. This is why we’re fighting the war in Iraq. If we can kill them over there, they won’t be able to kill us over here. The anti-war idiots are morons. This is why I blog – to get the truth out.

Posted 12:44 p.m., April 16, 2007: The death toll has reached 33! It’s the worst shooting rampage in American history. Some liberals are saying that America needs more gun control. Baloney! What America needs is MORE GUNS. If the victims had guns, they could have defended themselves. They could have shot back at the terrorists. All students should have the right to carry guns on campus (except the Muslim ones, of course). It’s time we had some real gun reform in America. President Bush needs to make guns and ammo fully tax deductible. He needs to arm every American against the terrorists. Even 5-year-olds can learn how to use guns. Let’s make our kindergartens safer! This is why I blog – to get the truth out.

Posted 3:22 p.m., April 16, 2007: Some media outlets are reporting that the gunman was a young Asian man. I’ve also learned, with help from Wikipedia, that Pakistan is an Asian country! So I was right after all. This attack was carried out by a Muslim from Pakistan. President Bush needs to take swift action against the Pakistanians. Bomb them until they accept democracy. The president also needs to close our borders. We don’t need foreigners coming here, not even those Canadanians. Tell them to build their own Disney World. This is why I blog – to get the truth out.

Posted 9:13 p.m., April 16, 2007: One of the Chicago papers is reporting that the gunman was a foreign student from China. I checked Wikipedia and confirmed my suspicion: China is an Asian country! Wikipedia also says there are 20 million Muslims in China! So I was right after all. This attack was carried out by a Muslim from China. President Bush needs to take swift action against the Chinians. Bomb them until they accept democracy. The president also needs to order background checks on all foreign students, especially the ones from other countries. This is why I blog – to get the truth out.

Posted 9:06 a.m., April 17, 2007: Fox News is reporting that the gunman was an Asian student, a permanent resident from South Korea. I knelt in front of the TV and said, “Please God, let him be a Muslim. If he is a Muslim, I will have so much to write about.” But Fox News let me down. They didn’t say anything about his religion. Dear God, I hope he wasn’t a Christian. I searched the Internet and all I found out was that he was young, slim and quiet, a very troubled man. It looks like he was not Muslim – but he was slim, so I was half-right! This is why I blog – to get the truth out.

Astronauts Face Many Challenges

By the time she returns to Earth, astronaut Sunita Williams will have spent more than six months inside the international space station. It takes endurance to be an astronaut and Williams is proving to be tougher than most. If you don’t think she’s tough, just picture yourself spending half a year in an enclosed space with two men who never take baths.

Williams isn’t taking baths either, but that’s okay, because she’s a woman and women naturally smell better than men, as my wife often says to me, while gliding, ever so naturally, toward the perfume bottle.

I’m not sure what would happen if you tried to take a bath or shower in the gravity-free space station. Perhaps the water would shoot straight up. Perhaps the soap would float. And perhaps if you’re middle-aged or older, you’d have reason to celebrate, realizing that no part of your body is pointing downward.

Williams and her fellow astronauts do try to stay as clean as possible. As Traci Watson described in USA TODAY, the astronauts wash their hair with no-rinse shampoo, their bodies with cleanser-soaked gauzy fabric, and their hands with baby wipes. It may not be as effective as taking a shower, but it provides great relief for the astronauts. In fact, as soon as the men are done cleaning themselves, Williams can loosen her nose clip slightly.

The hardships on the space station go far beyond that. With no sink around, the astronauts have to swallow their toothpaste after brushing, something they haven’t done since they were 2. (But on the positive side, they usually end up with “shiny white” and “minty fresh” intestines.)

The station does not have a flush toilet either. The astronauts must use a specially designed, state-of-the-art hole in the floor. Every time they use it, they create a new satellite around the earth. One of the privileges of being an astronaut is naming these satellites.

Russian cosmonaut: “What did you name yours today?”

American astronaut: “Osama. What did you name yours?”

Russian: “Bush.”

American: “Bush? What the hell’s wrong with you? Don’t you think he has enough satellites?”

Actually, the astronauts use a Russian-designed lavatory that, as Watson describes, “sucks waste away with a vacuum.” The waste is stored in buckets, which are moved into a Russian cargo pod that eventually “burns up in the earth’s atmosphere.” Now you know what people mean when they say, “It’s raining buckets.”

Unfortunately, astronauts do not always have access to the lavatory. During liftoff and spacewalks, they must wear a Maximum Absorbency Garment (MAG), a type of heavy-duty diaper. It’s a tough life, really. They wear diapers, use baby wipes and swallow their toothpaste, yet everyone expects them to act like grown-ups.

American astronaut: “Hey, that’s mine! I took it first.”

Russian cosmonaut: “No, gimme that. I took it first!”

American: “No, you didn’t!”

Russian: “Did too!”

American: “Did not!”

Russian: “Did too!”

Sunita Williams: “Stop it, guys! Please act your age. I’m sure there are enough Elmo bibs here for all of us.”

The astronauts may fight over bibs, but I doubt they fight over food, considering that it’s all canned, freeze-dried or precooked. It tastes rather bland, but does provide the necessary nutrition, including carbohydrates, protein, vitamins and minerals. That’s why it’s important for astronauts to have a college degree. They’re able to appreciate the food, because they’ve eaten much worse stuff in a college cafeteria.

Of course, it isn’t easy to eat in the space station, with the lack of gravity and all. Food can go everywhere, as Williams learned when she tried to create imitation sushi by putting wasabi paste on some bag-packaged salmon. The wasabi went flying around, staining the walls and leaving a strong smell in the air. It was so strong that, for about a week or two, Williams couldn’t smell the men.

American astronaut: “Hey, what’s that smell? It’s been around for a few days.”

Russian cosmonaut (sniffing air): “I’m not sure. Do you think it’s her perfume?”

American: “No, I don’t think so. This isn't quite that overpowering.”

Panhandling: A Career in Jeopardy

“Excuse me, do you have a nickel or dime?” the clean-cut, thirtyish man asked me. “I’m trying to buy a doughnut.” I opened my wallet and gave him 50 cents, then watched as he approached another man with the same request, pocketing a few more coins. He seemed so smooth, so casual, that I couldn’t help thinking, “There goes a real professional.”

Anyone can beg – some men do it every night – but it takes a professional to do it well, someone who has spent years perfecting his craft, advancing gradually from student to master. This man was so skilled, he must have earned a Ph.D. (panhandling degree).

Unfortunately, many cities have placed restrictions on this man and other panhandlers. Some cities have banned aggressive panhandling, others have banned all types of panhandling, even coming down hard on nurse’s aides. In some areas, like Manatee County, Florida, panhandlers can be fined as much as $500, prompting a few of them to hold signs that say, “Please help. Need money to pay fine.”

Beggars are naturally upset about laws that restrict them. “We’re just trying to make a living,” said John Grant, president of the newly formed American Union of Panhandlers (AUP). Members of the union plan to bring lawsuits against a number of cities, Grant said, as soon as they’ve panhandled enough money to hire a lawyer.

Grant, himself a veteran beggar, agreed to sit down with me for a long interview, but at the last minute, he begged off. I finally cornered him on the street, promising to keep the interview short and treat him to lunch afterward.

Me: “What do you hope to achieve by having a union?”

Grant: “Well, we hope to fight for the rights of the countless people who work in the panhandling industry.”

Me: “Forgive me, I must be having trouble with my hearing. I thought you used the word ‘work.’”

Grant: “I did use the word ‘work.’ Most of us work very hard. If you don’t think it’s work, you try standing outside all day, braving extreme weather, car fumes and foul language. I’ve been rejected so many times, I feel like a wrinkle on Barbara Walters’ face. People just don’t appreciate panhandlers enough.”

Me: “You think they should appreciate you?”

Grant: “Of course. We perform an invaluable service to them. They give a few coins to us and they feel good for the rest of the day. They think they’re the second coming of Mother Teresa. Not only that, when they look at us, they stop complaining about their own lives, at least for a minute or two. We give them perspective. You can’t put a price on that. But if you want, I’ll take a buck or two.”

Me: “So you don’t believe that panhandlers should be restricted in any way?”

Grant: “Well, I don’t think we should be restricted by politicians, who are much better than us at sticking their hands out. Let individual people say ‘no’ to us. If you don’t want to give to us, that’s fine. But if you do, we’re thankful. We accept quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies. Some of us even accept Canadian coins.”

Me: “But some panhandlers are a little too aggressive. They don’t accept ‘no’ very easily.”

Grant: “I don’t think they’re aggressive. I think they’re just go-getters. They’ve very motivated and ambitious. They’re eager to do their jobs well.”

Me: “A lot of people believe that panhandlers use the money they collect to buy cigarettes, alcohol and drugs.”

Grant: “People shouldn’t always assume the worst. I remember hearing about a panhandler in New York who had a sign that said, ‘Please help. Need money for pot.’ People thought he wanted to buy marijuana. But he was just an immigrant from India who wanted to cook something and didn’t realize the importance of an ‘a.’”