Better to be Safe Than Stupid

As a parent of three young children, I’m saddened whenever I hear of an accident that kills or injures a child. I try to imagine what the child’s parents are going through. And I ask myself if anything could have been done to prevent it.

In some cases, the accident could certainly have been prevented. In other cases, the child was just unlucky that he or she happened to be born to stupid parents. Well, a few of them were stupid; others just didn’t realize that the gun contained real bullets, that the swimming pool had a deep end or that the pet snake would bite.

Let’s face it, we’ve all done stupid things at one time or another. Just the other day, I answered the question “Does this dress make me look fat?” Needless to say, I spent the next 10 minutes untying the dress from around my neck.

My wife calls me “moron” so often, my children think it’s a term of endearment. I may be a moron, but I try not to be moronic when it comes to my children’s safety. I try to take as many precautions as possible. I know how precious they are – more precious to me than all the curry in the world. (Yes, even Ann Curry.)

That’s why I can’t understand parents who endanger their children by doing stupid things. But instead of just criticizing them, I’ve decided to help them by offering some important child safety advice, beginning today with a few car-related tips:

---Do not let your 4-year-old child drive your car. This may seem like common sense, but not to some parents, including a man named Vijaykumar in Chennai, India, who taught his 4-year-old son Kathiresh to drive. "Three months before, out of his own interest he told me he wants to drive,” Vijaykumar said proudly to a television reporter. “Next day onwards I started training him. … He can drive anywhere or everywhere without anybody’s help."

I’m glad he said “anywhere and everywhere,” because one of these fine days, Kathiresh may drive the car straight into the river. But don’t expect proud papa to come to his senses. He’ll just be even prouder: “He is very intelligent boy, very smart. He was conducting experiment to see if car could be turned into boat. Next time, he will take oars.”

---Do not leave your children alone in your car for longer than it takes them to say, “I wonder what will happen if I push that thing sticking out of the floor.” Some parents have even left their children alone in the car with the engine running! Stupid people – don’t they realize how expensive gas is?

So many things can go wrong when you leave your children in your car. Extreme temperature can kill them – and so can power windows. If you’re gone too long, they may die of boredom. Or they may just disappear.

Man: “Officer, I just came out of the bank and my baby was gone. Someone took my baby.”

Police officer: “Your baby? Where did you leave your baby?”

Man: “I parked it in the first row. A brand new Lexus SC. And it had a full tank of gas, too. I knew I shouldn’t have left the engine running.”

Officer: “You left your engine running?”

Man: “Yes, I didn’t want the children to get cold. … Oh $#*&! I forgot about the children.”

Officer: “How old are they?

Man: “Twenty-three and 21. Oh $#*&! I knew I shouldn’t have left them alone with my baby!”

---Do not let your children go loose in your car. Trust me, this is NEVER a good idea. Children need to be buckled up or strapped into their safety seats, depending on their age and weight. This not only keeps them safe, it keeps their hands off the radio. They’ll be protected from injury, you’ll be protected from Britney Spears.

I’ve seen so many parents neglect this simple rule. One mother said she didn’t strap her daughter because “she cries when I do that.” If I wanted to keep my children from crying, I’d never brush their teeth, never change their clothes, never give them a bath. They’d be the happiest, stinkiest kids in the world. If anyone complained, I’d say, “I don’t want them to cry. Besides, a little dirt won’t hurt them – they’re already brown.”

A couple of years ago, a man came with his large family to buy a used crib from us. He placed it in the middle of his van, where the seats were. I asked him where his children would sit and he said, “They can stand in the back.”

“Is that safe?” I asked, somewhat rhetorically.

“Yes,” he replied. “The windows are tinted.”

The police and others would not be able to look into the van and see what was obvious to me: the children had a very stupid father.

Let the Beer Come to You

There’ve been some truly amazing inventions in my lifetime: the automated teller machine (ATM), the personal computer, the cell phone, the DVD player, the digital camera, and, perhaps the greatest invention of the 20th century, Viagra.

Some of these inventions have, of course, combined to form even more useful products. Many people take digital photos with their cell phones. Others watch DVD movies on their computers. And in some parts of the world, men of all ages are lining up to use the automated Viagra machine (AVM).

With each invention, humans seem to take a step forward. Just when you think our lives could not get any better, along comes an inventor like John W. Cornwell to surprise us. Cornwell, a 22-year-old Duke University graduate, has created a contraption that may eventually be considered the greatest invention of the 21st century: the beer-throwing fridge. It’s an invention that could dramatically improve the lives of college students everywhere, in much the same way that microwave dinners, double-sided underwear and foot deodorant have.

Like most great inventors, Cornwell encountered a problem and decided to solve it. As he writes on his website (BeerLauncher.com), “Have you ever gotten up off the couch to get a beer for the umpteenth time and thought, ‘What if instead of ME going to get the BEER, the BEER came to ME???’”

That’s a question the typical college student asks about 20 times a day – and more often at night. But unlike the typical college student, Cornwell decided to do something about it, putting his engineering degree to good use. He took a mini-fridge and equipped it with a small elevator that lifts a can of beer through a hole and sets it on a catapult arm. A click of a remote sends the beer flying toward the couch, where a college student can catch it, either with his hands or, if he’s already had a few beers, with his face. (A good dental plan is recommended.)

Cornwell hopes to sell his invention for $1,500, which may seem like a lot of money, but not when you consider how much a beer-throwing fridge can do for your popularity in college. (One day you’re just a nerd, the next day you’re a beer-catching nerd.)

While it’s mostly intended for beer-drinkers, the beer-throwing fridge can be filled with just about any drink that’s sold in a can. And it may spawn a slew of household contraptions that throw items, including the pizza-throwing microwave, the cake-throwing oven and the husband-throwing bed (guaranteed to toss him onto the couch).

Come to think of it, a few other throwing contraptions could make our lives easier:

---The baby-throwing crib: If your baby starts crying in the middle of the night and you don’t feel like getting up, just press the remote and the baby will be thrown toward you. (Warning: Throwing babies can be dangerous. A good dental plan is recommended.)

---The junk-throwing mailbox: I’d pay big bucks for a mailbox that automatically throws all the junk mail away. If it’s designed well, it would throw all the good mail into our house and the junk mail into our neighbors’ yard. Who knows, they might actually start talking to us.

---The remote-throwing couch: I don’t know about yours, but our couch is always swallowing the remote. If we could get it to throw the remote to us, life would be a lot easier. We wouldn’t have to remove the cushions and put our fingers in all the crevices and touch all the food the kids have stored for emergencies. “Look ma, it’s a turkey leg from three Christmases ago! Mmmm, still tasty.”