Obama Gets Voters Excited, Confused

Is America finally ready for a black president? That’s a question many people are asking these days, as Senator Barack Obama takes the first steps toward a potential run for the White House in 2008. Obama, 45, born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father and white American mother, is a popular figure and rising star in the Democratic Party, but faces several hurdles as he seeks to become the first president in U.S. history to understand what Jesse Jackson is saying.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle will be his name, which some Americans are already confusing with another well-known name, as a CNN reporter discovered while interviewing people on the streets of New York.

Reporter: “What do you think of Barack Obama?”

Middle-aged man: “I think we should be trying harder to capture him. What are we doing in Iraq when Obama is still out there, still a threat to America?”

Reporter: “No, I mean Barack Obama from Chicago. What do you think of him?”

Middle-aged man: “You mean he’s in Chicago now? How did he get into the country? Don’t tell me he came through Mexico! We really need to tighten our borders.”

When it was revealed that Obama’s middle name is Hussein, many more people were confused, as the CNN reporter found out on the streets of Atlanta.

Reporter: “What do you think of Barack Hussein Obama?”

Thirty-something man: “He got what was coming to him, that’s all I can say. He committed crimes against humanity and got what he deserved. I don’t feel sorry for him at all.”

Reporter: “No, I mean Barack Hussein Obama from Chicago.”

Thirty-something man: “You mean he was from Chicago? How the heck did he get to be president of Iraq? Come to think of it, I did notice a slight Chicago accent. Too bad he didn’t live for a few more weeks. He could have watched the Bears in the Super Bowl.”

Barack Obama may seem like a fairly easy name to remember, but even some of his supporters are having trouble with it, as the CNN reporter discovered on the streets of Chicago.

Reporter: “May I ask whom you plan to vote for in 2008?”

Twenty-year-old man: “I really like that guy, what’s his name, Obrack Barama.”

Reporter: “What about you, Sir? Who gets your vote in 2008?”

Nineteen-year-old man: “Your Mama.”

Reporter: “Pardon me?”

Nineteen-year-old man: “Broke Your Mama. That’s who I’m voting for. Broke Your Mama.”

Reporter: “Oh, I see. And what about you, Miss?”

Twenty-one-year-old woman: “Me? I’m voting for … uh … Baroque Alabama.”

Obama may overcome the confusion and concerns over his name, but it’ll be harder to overcome racism. I’d like to think that the majority of Americans – and certainly the vast majority of the younger generation – don’t have a racist bone in their bodies or are at least taking medication for it. But it often takes just a small number of votes to sway an election. The 2004 presidential election was so close, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush if he had merely convinced everyone named ‘John’ to vote for him. The 2000 election was even closer. Al Gore would have beaten Bush if he had merely convinced Larry King’s ex-wives to vote for him.

If Obama gets the Democratic Party’s nomination, busloads of white supremacists may show up at the polls.

Reporter: “May I ask whom you’re voting for?”

Supremacist: “What kind of (bleep) question is that? The white guy, of course.”

Reporter: “So you agree with him about Iraq?”

Supremacist: “Of course I do. Our country doesn’t need Iraq Boboma – or whatever his name is.”

Too Many Hang Ups About the Death Penalty

The death penalty -- it's not an ideal topic for a humor column, but it's the type of issue I once tackled regularly, back in the days when I was a humorist worth his weight in aluminum cans, as my wife reminded me recently. "You would have written about Saddam Hussein's hanging," she said.

"Really?" I asked. "What would I have written?" (This is how I get my wife to write most of my columns.)

"Well," she said, "you would have written that the Iraqis were the ones who carried out the hanging and that President Bush, apparently, didn't give a hang."

"What else would I have written?"

"You would have written that if Hussein had called Bush, pleading for clemency, Bush would have said, 'I'll try to do what I can, Saddam. Hang in there.'"

"Anything else?"

"You would have mentioned that Hussein's half-brother was also sentenced to death, but wasn't executed on the same day. The Iraqis were tired of seeing the two of them hanging out together."

"You mean I would have filled my column with silly hanging jokes?"

"Yes, that's your style. Sometimes you can't help yourself. But you would have also made some serious points. You would have said that Saddam Hussein murdered tens of thousands of people, perhaps hundreds of thousands, and he shouldn't have been allowed to get away."

"Get away?"

"Yes, he got away from all the other charges that should have been brought against him. You would have written that he should have been kept in prison, should have been punished for the rest of his life, should have been forced to listen to Britney Spears songs."

"I would have supported such cruel and unusual punishment? Isn't that worse than the death penalty?"

"Yes, but you oppose the death penalty, remember?"

"That's true, I do. But in Saddam's case ..."

"You can't make exceptions! You're either for the death penalty or against it. You can't say, 'Saddam, you're going to hang; O.J., you're going to play golf.' You can't do that. You have to be consistent, just as America hasconsistently gone after murderous tyrants, from Hitler to Idi Amin to Saddam Hussein."

"Idi Amin? Didn't he live it up in Saudi Arabia until his death in 2003? Didn't he have more fun than three nuns at choir practice?"

"Yes, but don't you remember all those speeches Clinton and Bush made about bringing him to justice? Don't you remember that America threatened to cut off diplomatic ties with Saudi Arabia and, as a result, Saudi Arabia cut off Amin's escort service."

"They didn't let him drive his Ford Escort? What a shame. Did they cut anything else off?"

"They usually do in Saudi Arabia. But you would have written that it's barbaric, just like the death penalty. You would have argued that a civilized society shouldn't be putting people to death, shouldn't be supporting tit-for-tat justice."

"Oh, come on. I would have never used the word 'tit' in my column. My mother reads it."

"Okay, but you would have definitely quoted Gandhi: 'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.' You would have wondered what happened to the golden rule: 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.'"

"Well, two wrongs don't make a right. I mean, if you caught your neighbor selling drugs to your children, would you sell drugs to his children? If you caught your co-worker stealing from your purse, would you steal from her purse? And if you caught your husband cheating on you, would you cheat on him?"

"No, of course not. I would cut off his ..."

"Hey! That's barbaric. What's wrong with you? How would you like it if someone cut off your ..."

"My what?"

"Uh ... never mind."