Waiting for the President to Check Out

The other day, while eating at an Indian restaurant, I met an immigrant from Zimbabwe, a friendly middle-aged man who had not visited his homeland in years. “I want to go back,” he said. “I’m waiting for Mugabe to die.”

Unfortunately, tyrants seem to live longer than the rest of the population, unless they’re in prison, charged with crimes against humanity, in which case, like Slobodan Milosevic, they check out early. Any day now, we will read Saddam’s obituary: “Saddam Hussein, often referred to as the ‘Iraqi strongman,’ collapsed and died yesterday after sustaining what doctors are describing as a ‘severe paper cut.’ According to witnesses, Hussein was reading a newspaper when he suddenly screamed and keeled over. He was apparently hurt by some sharp criticism.”

Robert Mugabe has held onto power for 26 years, largely by practicing a form of democracy familiar to people in several African countries and the state of Florida. He is 82 years old and still going strong, still capable of leading his country out of the swamp and into the quicksand. If you think he makes poor decisions now, just wait until he hits 102.

Mugabe: “Mongo, you’ve been very loyal to me. I’m going to appoint you the new Minister of National Security. What do you think of that?”

Mongo: “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

Mugabe: “Yes, Mongo, you’ll get a big house with a large yard. You’ll be the top dog in my Cabinet. You can snap at the opposition and hound the media.”

Mongo: “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

Mugabe: “What’s that you say? You think I’m a great man, just as great as the inventor of the flea collar? Why, thank you, Mongo. I appreciate it. You can stop embracing my leg now.”

In case you’re wondering, Zimbabwe does have term limits. No one can serve as president for longer than 80 years. But Comrade Mugabe, as he’s often called, will likely introduce a constitutional amendment as soon as he turns 136.

Fortunately, Zimbabweans probably won’t have to wait that long to see new leadership. Mugabe may step down in 2008, when his current term expires. According to a New Yorker article, he is building a $10 million retirement home, a Serbian-designed Pagoda-style villa. He will probably anoint one of his henchmen as his successor, then sit back and watch in glee: “Ha ha. And they thought I was bad.”

That’s the problem with waiting for a tyrant to die: just as you’re about to celebrate, another tyrant comes along, one who has studied well under his master.

The celebrations start early in some cases, as when Cuba’s government announced that Fidel Castro, 80, had undergone surgery for intestinal bleeding and was temporarily ceding power to his younger brother Raul, who is only 75. Some Cubans, members of the Optimists Club, began popping champagne and dancing in circles, singing, “He’s dead! He’s dead! Our beloved leader is dead!”

But nobody celebrated publicly inside Cuba, not surprising in a country where you’re either for Fidel or an infidel. Many Cubans were saddened that their leader of 47 years was ailing, but some expressed hope that he would recover and lead the country into the next century.

Perhaps their prayers have been answered, for Castro is recovering gradually, according to his brother. You can bet your last Zimbabwean dollar that Comrade Mugabe has sent a “get well” card to Comrade Castro, saying, “Hope you’ll be back in good health soon, comrade. You are my role model. Compared to you, I’ve had a very short presidency.”

The Aliens Keep Looking Down on Earth

The other day, there was another UFO sighting over America. And just a week or so later, on the planet of Serena, many galaxies away, the Minister of Intergalactic Affairs and other leaders gathered in the main chamber of the House of Serenity to hear a report from Ruba Pontuba, a heroic space traveler who had just returned from her second mission to Earth.

Minister: “Welcome back, most respected Ruba.”

Ruba: “Thank you, most honorable minister. I am thrilled to be back. I can’t tell you how much I missed being among civilized creatures.”

Minister: “Is that so? It was my hope that humans would be quite civilized by now. This is a new millennium for them, is it not?”

Ruba (laughs uncontrollably for five minutes): “New millennium! Ha ha ha! Humans are no more civilized in the new millennium than they were in the old millennium. They still kill each other in great numbers, then refer to lions and tigers as ‘wild animals.’”

Minister: “You mean they haven’t made any progress as a species?”

Ruba: “They’ve made a little progress in science and technology – mostly in helping teen-agers keep in touch with each other – but no progress whatsoever in peace and love. During my time on Earth, I witnessed hundreds of conflicts, including Israelis against Palestinians, Americans against Iraqis, Zidane against Materazzi.”

Minister: “But don’t humans want peace?”

Ruba: “Yes, most humans do want peace. They want it so much, they’re willing to fight wars to achieve it.”

Minister: “What about love? Don’t humans love each other?”

Ruba: “Not as much as they love money. Most humans have one main goal in life: to get rich.”

Minister: “But aren’t they like us? Don’t they want to become rich so they can help the less fortunate?

Ruba: “Well, I heard of one human who won the lottery and said, ‘The first thing I’m going to do is sponsor some children in Uganda.’ But it turns out that those were HIS children. He was behind on his child support. Most humans, when they get rich, buy themselves a big house, a fancy car and new teeth. Some get new spouses, too.”

Minister: “So what happens to the poor?”

Ruba: “Many of them struggle to survive. In some countries, they don’t have enough food to eat.”

Minister: “You mean there’s a shortage of food on Earth?”

Ruba: “I thought there was, but then I visited America and saw people taking part in an eating contest. They were stuffing hotdogs down their throats, hoping to win a prize in this great new sport. A Japanese man won first place. He ate up his competition.”

Minister: “Are there any poor people in America?”

Ruba: “Yes, there are. They get fed twice a year: at Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

Minister: “So humans are killing each other and not sharing their food and wealth. Are they at least trying their best to eliminate deadly diseases?”

Ruba: “Yes, they are. America, for example, spent billions from its health budget to eliminate a ‘cancer’ named Saddam. The American leader believes that Earth is now a much healthier planet.”

Minister: “What on Earth is he drinking?”