A Random Sample of Proud New Yorkers

Reader’s Digest has rated New York “the most polite major city in the entire world.” People in other cities were quite shocked to hear this, but not as shocked as the folks in New York. “Polite? Us?” one man said. “Get the &%$# out of here!”

RD conducted courtesy tests in 35 cities around the world, wherever the magazine is published. New Yorkers were found to be courteous 80% of the time, edging out Zurich and Toronto for the top spot, while residents of Mumbai (formerly Bombay) were courteous only 32% of the time, beating out Bucharest for the title of “City Most Likely to Have Extremely Rude Reader’s Digest burnings.”

RD reporters conducted three types of tests in each city, checking whether people would hold doors open for them, pick up documents they’d dropped and, in the case of salesclerks, thank them for a purchase. Trying to be as scientific as possible, the reporters performed their New York tests at a random sample of Starbucks coffee shops. As the magazine explained, this was for the sake of “consistency” – the reporters could be assured of “consistency” whenever they took a coffee break.

To find out what New Yorkers thought of the RD findings, I decided to interview a random sample of guys standing on street corners. They had typical New York names – Yo, Moe and Cho – and were horrified to hear that the Big Apple was now considered a polite city.

“Polite city?” Moe said. “Reader’s Digest is trying to ruin our reputation. We ought to sue ’em.”

“Reader’s Digest doesn’t know $#%!” Yo said. “We ain’t a pole light city. We got buildings and houses and other stuff too.”

“What’s wrong with being considered polite?” I asked.

“First they be tellin’ everyone we’re polite,” Moe said, “then we get a whole lotta immigrants coming here – no offense, Cho – and before you know it, ain’t nobody got a job.”

“No offense taken, &#$@ face,” Cho said. “Polite is okay if you’re in Iowa and Utah, but over here, we just don’t have the time. We’re always rushing somewhere: to work, to stores, to court.”

“Court?” I asked nervously.

“Yeah,” Cho said. “Basketball court. And we’re definitely not polite there. No one says, ‘Please pass the ball.’ We say, ‘Pass the $#@& ball, you @%$#!”

“So you’re never polite anywhere?” I asked. “Not even once?”

“Some people think I’m polite, but I’m not,” Moe said. “One tourist asked me if I’ve got the time. I don’t even own a watch, so I just showed him the finger. And he said, ‘One o’ clock. Thank you very much!’”

“That’s nothing,” Cho said. “One kid asked if anyone has change for a dollar. I said, ‘Your mama!’ And he said, ‘I’ll ask her. Thank you!’”

“What about when someone drops a paper?” I asked. “Do you help them pick it up.”

“Depends,” Moe said. “If it’s five bucks or something, I’ll pick it up. That’s my lunch money right there.”

“No way, dude,” Cho said. “People are always dropping things in New York and most of the time, they’re just littering. I’m not picking up their trash.”

“What about you, Yo?” I asked.

“Come on, man,” Yo said. “Why would I wanna put my fingerprints on their papers? What if they’re a cop or something?”

“What about doors?” I asked. “Do you hold them open for others?”

“Why should we?” Moe said. “What doors are they holding open for us? Doors to McDonald’s? Doors to Taco Bell? What about the doors to opportunity? Ain’t nobody holding those doors open for us!”

“Look man, we’re just trying to keep it real,” Cho said. “You can be polite to people without really caring about them. How many times do people say to my mom, ‘We should have you over for dinner sometime,’ but then they never call.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that, Yo?” Yo asked. “Ain’t it better to be rude? You tell Reader’s Digest that!”

“Man, I wish Reader’s Digest didn’t mess with us,” Moe said, shaking his head.

I decided to give them the silver lining: The Reader’s Digest tests were rather unscientific. “New York could still be the rudest city in the world,” I said.

Their faces instantly brightened. “Yeah, baby!” they shouted, giving each other a round of high-fives. Then, unable to contain their pride, they broke into a chant: “New York! New York! New York!”

Memo to Staff: Get Some Work Done

To: All staff
From: Company president
Subject: Low productivity

It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Friday, June 9th. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren’t pulling their own weight. For the company to be successful, it’s important for all of us to work hard. We need to learn from the examples set by the following managers, whom I’m pleased to recognize.

John Tembo, Human Resources Manager: I was walking past John’s office and heard him and several employees shouting “Goal! Goal! Goal!” When I knocked on the door, John told me they were watching a training video to help them achieve company goals. I have nominated each of them for our Employee of the Month Award. It’s important for all of us to focus on goals. As John said, “Without goals, our team will lose.”

Carlos Mendez, Sales and Distribution Manager: Carlos called me on Friday morning to say he was ill and couldn’t come to work. His doctor had diagnosed him with a rare illness called socceritis. The illness affects patients for at least a month and there’s a chance of relapse every four years. As you can imagine, I was rather shocked and saddened. I wondered how we could manage without Carlos for so long. Perhaps Carlos read my mind, for he immediately put me at ease. “I’ll come to work, boss,” he said. “The illness isn’t contagious. I just need to return home to get 90 minutes of rest a few times a day.” What an example Carlos is setting for all of us. I am nominating him for our Courage and Inspiration Award.

Ravi Narayanan, Product Design Manager: As of Friday, Ravi is testing an innovative program he developed called WHFH (work hard from home). He believes it will not only increase productivity in his department but also lower costs considerably, particularly the cost of buying coffee and doughnuts. Ravi came to work briefly on Tuesday and I overheard him saying to another manager, “South Korea 2, Togo 1.” I asked him about it and he said, “That’s the number of customers we have in each country.” I was extremely pleased. I didn’t realize we had a customer in Togo. I am nominating Ravi for our Innovative Spirit Award.

Hans Mueller, Advertising Manager: Hans, as you know, is always looking for new ways to advertise, new ways to reach potential customers. Since Friday, he has been personally manning an information booth at the ESPN Sports Bar. I paid a surprise visit to the bar and heard Hans talking to an employee about something called “World Cup.” He told me it’s an acronym he’s using to motivate employees: WORLDCUP (Working Overtime Results in Less Disappointment and Creates an Upsurge in Productivity.) I am nominating Hans for the High Motivation Award.

Ming Yu, Technology Manager: I found Ming coming out of a bathroom stall with a small battery-operated TV. He said he’s testing a video conferencing system that will enable employees to continue to work while doing their business. A few minutes later, I heard Ming telling his assistant how many customers we have in certain countries. I was proud to hear all the numbers, but disappointed to realize we have no customers in the United States. That’s a huge market that we’re missing out on. In any case, I am nominating Ming for the Bathroom Productivity Award.