Real Proof of Bush's Popularity

It may appear that President Bush’s job-approval rating is low – one poll puts it at 29 percent – but let’s not kid ourselves: The president is immensely popular. Just look at the standing ovations he gets whenever he makes a speech. Everybody loves him, aside from a few people who have to be led away by security.

The president’s job-approval rating is actually quite high, but you wouldn’t know that from the flawed polls conducted by the liberal media. Thankfully, Fox News Channel has conducted a “fair and balanced” poll, which shows that Americans overwhelmingly approve of their president. Some of the findings:

---Almost 70 percent of 1,000 U.S. adults surveyed in a telephone poll think President Bush is doing an “excellent or pretty good job” of dressing himself. The other 30 percent approve of the suits he wears, but would prefer not to see him in tight jeans.

---More than 50 percent of respondents say that if the 2004 presidential election were held again, they would not change their vote. Yes, they’d still vote for the same guy and we all know who that guy is.

---When given several choices and asked to rank them in “likeability,” 90 percent of respondents put President Bush first, finding him much more likeable than enemas, rattlesnakes, and telemarketers, in that order.

---More than 60 percent of respondents “strongly agree” that America has never seen a leader like President Bush. An even greater number (70 percent) “strongly agree” with the statement “President Bush is doing a hell of a job.”

---A whopping 75 percent answered “yes” to the question “Do you hold President Bush in such regard that you would recommend him to another country?” Some respondents were so enthusiastic, they elaborated on their answers, giving such responses as “He’d make a great Prime Minister of Canada!” and “Russia! No country would be more deserving.”

---A solid 65 percent of respondents believe the country is on the right track; only 35 percent say the country is on the left track. As a whole, Americans see the country as a train that’s chugging forward.

The survey shows that President Bush has had a positive religious influence on the country, with 68 percent of respondents saying they “strongly agree” with the statement “Since President Bush took office, I’ve done a lot more praying.”

The survey also shows that Americans are overwhelmingly confident about the economy, despite job losses to other countries and the rising price of gas. More than 60 percent say the economy under President Bush is “extremely strong or very strong” compared to the economy under President Hoover.

Job seekers remain optimistic about their prospects. Almost 80 percent of them “strongly agree” with the statement “I am confident about getting a job within two or three weeks of moving to India.”

While liberals have been attacking President Bush for the supposed lack of progress in Iraq, the survey shows that Americans overwhelmingly support the president in his mission to spread democracy in the Arab world. More than 90 percent of respondents “strongly agree” with the statement “President Bush is handling the war in Iraq as well as he has handled everything else.”

Americans are impressed with the president’s growing expertise in foreign affairs. About 60 percent of respondents “strongly agree” with the statement “When the president makes a speech about ‘Iraq,’ only on very few occasions does he actually mean ‘Iran.’”

Baby's Appreciation for Mother

Mothers – we just don’t appreciate them enough. And that’s partly because our memories are so short. We don’t remember what Mom did for us when we were tiny and helpless, when we drank nothing but milk, when we possessed only one talent: changing the color of our diapers.

Thankfully, the Japanese have developed a solution – a machine that uses electro-magna-sonic waves to detect, interpret and record a baby’s thoughts, creating a diary that helps preserve memories. I began using the Sony Thinkman during the later stages of my wife’s pregnancy, pointing the antenna at her stomach. Here’s what I recorded:

Jan. 13, 2006: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Jan. 27: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s so blah in here. Nothing interesting at all. And it’s rather dark, too. Is this a cave? Am I a bat in a cave? Is that why I’m upside down?

Feb. 14: I can feel something touching the wall next to me. Hello! Is anyone there? Can someone turn on the lights? I think the switch is on the outside. Who designed this place anyway?

March 3: Whoa! I think I’m attached to a creature that keeps moving around. I’m feeding off it. Am I some sort of parasite? I hope not. I’d hate to spend my entire life in here. There’s no TV or anything. Not even an iPod. How am I supposed to pass time?

March 18: I can hear sounds from outside. I think the creature is a female. I heard her complaining about some kind of mess. I think she just used a bad word. It sounded like “Men!”

April 7: The creature just tried to talk to me. I heard her say, “Hello in there! This is your mother.” I don’t know how to respond. I can’t talk and there’s no e-mail. Maybe if I kick, I can send a message in Morse code: Hello out there! I’m so glad you found me. When is the rescue team coming? Please tell them to hurry. I’m dying of boredom.

April 28, 9 a.m.: Something is happening. My mother is screaming. She’s either in lots of pain or just won the lottery. I hope it’s the latter. I have a feeling she’s going to be spending a fortune on me.

April 28, 9:30 a.m.: Someone keeps saying “Push, push, push!” and my mother is saying, “I’m pushing! I’m pushing!” What is she pushing? I hope our car didn’t break down.

April 28, 10:04 a.m.: She’s pushing so hard, I can feel myself moving. Ay, caramba! Who turned the lights on? Who are all those creatures? Why are they cutting that tube? Oh no, it’s my feeding tube! They’re trying to kill me! Help! Help! Someone call the police!

April 28, 10: 15 a.m.: Is that my father? What a cool guy! He looks so calm and confident. And handsome too. I really like his white jacket. Wait a minute, why is he leaving? Why did he say, “I’ll see you in two weeks at the clinic.”

April 28, 10:30 a.m.: Another creature just introduced himself as my father. He looks like a big dork. I think there’s been a mix-up somewhere. Maybe he came to the wrong room. Someone call the police!

April 28, 3 p.m.: Why do they keep saying “Rahul” to me? What does that mean? Maybe they want me to pee. I’ll try to pee every time they say “Rahul.”

April 28, 8 p.m.: My mother is giving me so much attention. She feeds me, holds me, changes my diaper. I think she loves me. She said to me, “Rahul, you are my precious little boy.” I wish I could talk. I’d say: Thank you, mother. I love you, not just for feeding me and changing my diaper, but also for calling the rescue team.

The Growing Threat on English

“Tonight, on a very special edition of Larry King Live, we have an exclusive interview with Jed Greeley, president of the English Protection Association (EPA). The association was formed this year to protect the English language from what it calls – and I’m quoting here – ‘a murderous assault from the Mexicans, Chinese and Indians.’ Why are you focusing on them, Jed?”

“We ain’t focusing on nobody, Larry. Thems are the main ones, but there’s other ones: the Colombians, the Iranians, the Pakistanians. They all be coming to America and they ain’t speakin’ English. It ain’t right, Larry. If they ain’t willing to speak English, dang it, they ain’t deservin’ to live in this free country.”

“But why the big concern, Jed? People speak lots of languages in other countries.”

“Larry, it don’t trouble us if they speaks Russian in Russia, Chinese in China or Canadian in Canada. But these are the United States of America. Over here, we speaks English. I ain’t no lingualist, but I do believe English is the supremest language in the world. Jesus spoked English, ya know?”

“So you believe that everyone in America should speak English? No exceptions!”

“We ain’t saying people gotta speak English in their houses and all. We saying they gotta speak English when they’s on family outings, going to Wal-Mart and such. Also when they’s at work. I mean, the other day, I’m takin’ a taxi and the driver, he ain’t understandin’ a word I’m sayin’. I dang gives him a piece of my mind. And ya know what he says to me? He says I gotta brush up on my Urdu.”

“But this is a land of immigrants. Our forefathers spoke many different languages, including German, French and Italian.”

“But they be learnin’ English soon. And ya know why, Larry? Because back then, there wasn’t no non-English channels on TV. No Univision, no Al Jazeera, no dang Zee TV.”

“Your association has started a petition to stop Mexicans and other groups from making Spanish the official language of America. Do you really think that’s going to happen?”

“Dang right, it’s gonna happen, if they gets what they wants. Some officials already is speaking Spanish. And so is most baseball players. They once plays in Major League Baseball, now they calling it Las Grandes Ligas De Beisbol. The Mexicans, they also been singin’ the National Anthem in Spanish and makin’ jokes about Jorge W. Bush. They gettin’ my childrens to watch Dora the Explorer and say ‘Hola Papi!’ to me. We gotta stop ’em now, Larry, before things gets too far, before we ends up living in Estados Unidos de América and eatin’ enchiladas at Thanksgiving.”

“So you see this as a pretty serious situation?”

“Dang right, we do. Look, Larry, if you wanna works on a farm, you gotta speak Spanish; if you wanna works in a motel, you gotta speak Gujurati; if you wanna works in the stock market, you gotta speak Greek.”

“The stock market? Isn’t that all about numbers?”

“It’s Greek to me, Larry.”

“Oh, I see. Some people take pride in being bilingual and trilingual. Have you ever considered learning another language?”

“Another language? Come on, Larry, ain’t it enough that I’m fluenced in English?”

“Other than the petition, what is your group doing to protect English in America?”

“Well, Larry, for one thing, we’s making big signs to put at the airports and borders: ‘Welcome to America. We speaks English here!’”