Searching Far and Wide for a Bride

I’ve been watching the reports from China, the ones about the gender imbalance and all those young men having trouble finding brides, and I can’t help wondering what their parents and others were thinking when they chose, through abortion and abandonment, to avoid having female children. Perhaps they thought they could provide other options to their sons.

Son: “My dear parents, I am ready to get married. Please help me find a bride.”

Mother: “You are ready to get married already? But my son, you are only 50. Can’t you wait a few more years?”

Father: “Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. If you wait a few more years, there will be more brides available. The government is opening special laboratories to create more females. It is a process called cloning.”

Son: “But they are cloning sheep. I do not want to marry a sheep.”

Mother: “Son, you are 50. You cannot be too choosy.”

Father: “Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. You should look at the positive side: A sheep has plenty of wool. It will keep you warm at night.”

Son: “No, I can’t do it. I can’t settle for anything but a human.”

Father: “You have high standards, son. But we expected this. That is why we’ve made arrangements to introduce you to someone special.”

Son: “Someone special? Is this really true, Father?”

Father: “Yes, it’s true, son. We will introduce you to a special inspector named Ying-Ming. He is looking for a companion too.”

Son: “Did you say ‘he’? I hope you meant to say ‘she’!”

Father: “He, she, what’s the difference? Together, you will still be ‘we.’ Ying-Ming is very rich, son. While most Chinese men have been busy searching for brides, he has been busy searching for bribes.”

Son: “But I do not want a ‘he’! I am straight!”

Mother: “Opposites attract, my son. You are straight and he is crooked. You will be happy together.”

Father: “Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. You should look at the positive side: Ying-Ming has plenty of wool blankets. He will keep you warm at night. What do you say, son?”

Son: “How soon will the cloning take place?”

Father: “Ah, that’s better, son. I knew you would come around. It’s important to be open-minded. There are only a few brides and their demands are impossibly high: they want a man who is not just rich and handsome, but who also stops his car to ask for directions.”

Mother: “In all my years, I have never met such a man.”

Son: “Not on this planet. But how did this happen, this terrible shortage of women?”

Father: “I blame it on the government. They created the one-child policy to control the population. They knew we would turn it into the one-boy policy, which would really control the population. Don’t blame us: all we wanted was one boy.”

Son: “Don’t blame me: All I want is one girl. Is it an impossible dream?”

Father: “Well, there are two other options. You can find another man, put your savings together, and pay for a sex change operation. Ying-Ming does not want to do it. We already asked. But he is willing to wear a dress on weekends. He will even shave his mustache – if you insist.”

Son: “Ying-Ming is a ding-a-ling. What’s the other option?”

Father: “You can go to America.”

Son: “America? Are there many brides there?”

Father: “Well, once you are settled in America, you can do what many American men do: get yourself a mail-order bride from the Philippines.”

The Game Within the Game

My wife is expecting again. I don’t know how it happened – and neither does the mailman.

I asked him and all he said was, “I haven’t even looked at your wife.” Well, I have looked at my wife. And that’s all it took apparently. One look and the next thing I know, she’s saying, “Honey, I’ve got some news.”

“What?” I say. “News already? We didn’t do anything.”

“Oh yes, we did.”

“When?”

“The night the electricity went out and you couldn’t get the TV to run on batteries. Remember? It was dark and you accidentally ran into me. You said something romantic like ‘Let’s light some candles.’”

“That’s all it took? That was hardly anything.”

“Well, after you lit the candles, you said, ‘Let me get some oil from the kitchen.’ And I thought, ‘Naughty, naughty.’ I lay on the couch in anticipation. A minute later, you returned to the living room and tried to get the TV to run on olive oil.”

“There was a football game on TV. I was desperate for some action.”

“Tell me about it. I tried to get your attention, whispering into your ear, ‘Honey, the kids are both fast asleep.’ And you said, ‘Great! We can have a good time, just you and me and the Seahawks. As soon as I get the TV started.’”

“I really thought I could get the TV to work. I didn’t realize how hard it is to get something turned on.”

“Tell me about it. I went to the bedroom and put on some silk lingerie. When I returned, you looked at me and said, ‘Absolutely stunning. A power outage in a developed country.’”

“Well, I couldn’t believe it. There was no electricity whatsoever.”

“Tell me about it. I rubbed your shoulders and said, ‘Why don’t we generate some electricity of our own?’ And you said, ‘Good idea, honey. Perhaps I can hook the TV to the exercise bike.’”

“I needed to do something fast. The game had already started and I knew the Seahawks must have scored a touchdown on the Eagles. It’s so easy to score when there’s no resistance.”

“Tell me about it. I ran my fingers through your hair and said, ‘I thought you might like to, you know, score a touchdown yourself.’ And you said, ‘Sure, honey. We’ll do it tomorrow. Perhaps we can invite a few of the guys.’”

“Well, it’s more fun to play in a group. Besides, you need a good field to play football. I love football fields.”

“Tell me about it. I went to the kids’ room, got some of their paints and put lines and numbers across my body like a football field. And soon, like the Seahawks, you were driving down the field toward the end zone. You looked so pleased when I screamed, ‘Touchdown!’”

“Well, it was so easy with all those markers. I especially liked the arrow. But it all happened so fast.”

“Tell me about it. You said you wanted to go to a sports bar to watch the rest of the game. While you were getting ready, I snuck to the main power switch and flipped it back on. You were so excited when the TV came on. You shouted, ‘Look, honey. I didn’t miss anything. The coach called a timeout!’”

“You had turned the power off? I wondered why the neighbors had lights. Where did you get the idea of doing that?”

“I read it in that women’s magazine I got in the mail.”

“In the mail? I knew the mailman had something to do with this. Wait till I get my hands on him.”