Buy Yourself a Carefree Flight

Do you have trouble flying these days? Are you often mistaken for a terrorist? Does your in-flight behavior cause pilots to request an Air Force escort to the nearest airport? If so, you’ve come to the right place. We at Flying Comfort Inc. understand your concerns and have developed a line of products to improve your flying experience, to help you get to your destination faster, without making a stopover at Guantanamo Bay.

Please take a few minutes to browse all our products:

---Beard Mask, $24.99. It’s not wise these days to fly with a beard, especially if you’re a man. Beards tend to bring suspicion upon you. After all, Osama bin Laden has a beard and so do those guys in “Pirates of the Caribbean.” But shaving your beard isn’t always the answer, especially if you need it for religious reasons – or you’re covering up a facial deformity. That’s why we at Flying Comfort Inc. have developed the Beard Mask. Available in various skin tones, it fits over your beard and adjusts to the contours of your jaw. It’ll make your chin look bigger, stronger and more attractive. Women will rush to sit beside you. No one will suspect you of being a sly terrorist, just a smooth lady-killer.

---Humongous Hat, $19.99. Our extra-large cowboy hat will make you look like a good ole Texas rancher. It’s been designed specially for men with turbans, but is also perfect for anyone with a big head (investment bankers, sports agents, immigration officers, etc.). Don’t let ignorant passengers get anxious about your turban – or the size of your head. Just slip the Humongous Hat over it and act like you’re heading to the rodeo. And don’t forget to say “Howdy y’all!” to the flight crew.

---Patriotic Ensemble, $79.99. There’s no better way to show people you’re harmless than by wearing the Patriotic Ensemble. It includes a T-shirt that says “God Bless America,” a belt buckle shaped like the Statue of Liberty, and a turban that’s red, white and blue. Each item comes with an easily removable ‘Made in China’ label. We at Flying Comfort Inc. are so confident you’ll like the Patriotic Ensemble that we’re offering, for a limited time only, a money-back-if-you’re-arrested guarantee. Act now and we’ll send you a free pair of “Stars and Stripes” boxer shorts – the kind worn by George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice.

---Equality Powder, $9.99. Have you ever noticed how quickly white folks get through airport security? No need to feel envious anymore. With our special Equality Powder, imported from India, you can turn white just in time for your next flight. Sprinkle it on in seconds and glide through security like Laura Bush on skates. One skin color isn’t better than another, but these are trying times for the airline industry, and a little whitening can make you less frightening. To accommodate your special needs, we at Flying Comfort Inc. are selling Equality Powder in packets, as well as buckets. Stock up and save. Buy enough for the entire family. Remember: Equality Powder has been heavily tested in India. There are no known side-effects, aside from a little genital itching and a strong desire to listen to country music.

---Bathroom in a Bottle, $14.99. If you’re a dark-skinned man, it’s not wise to walk up and down the aisle in mid-flight. People will think you’re up to something, perhaps looking for a good place to light your shoes. But what if you’ve done a lot of drinking and are desperate to use the restroom? Just carry Bathroom in a Bottle on board and you’ll never have to get out of your seat. Caution: This product is not recommended for aisle seats (except during the movie). Men who have trouble aiming are advised to buy an alternative product: Bathroom in a Barrel. Please do not pass the barrel around.